nosleepandcrazy

This shit is real and really crazy

Am I an angel bleeding to death on a hill, or am I depressed?

OK… Today I need a certain few people to magically pop in to my room with a large fat free extra cheese Papa John’s pizza that will no longer not make me gain weight, but possibly make my ass shrink a bit.  But everyone I need right now is either working, lives in Georgia, is at the lake, or is asleep on the couch in my living room.  The one in the living room is my mom and I have apparently let her down today because from the moment I have woke up today, she has wanted to go see the new Tyler Parry movie with me. One problem… I AM DEPRESSED.  So I have said no to the movie… no let me correct that, I have repeatedly said no to the movie because my mom has decided to go a little rapists and a little 10 years old where no either doesn’t mean no, or she can not mentally take in the word as the end all decision for this day in my life.  I woke up and asked her to chat with me because I was having trouble waking up.  If anyone on here is bi-polar and chooses to take the meds, you will know exactly how I feel.  For the rest of you, hello I am Bippy and I either do not sleep or I can not stop sleeping or I have to stop sleeping when I do not want to so I am like a zombie… but I am so sleepy I do not care about all the flesh around me.  So we went out to eat and I am assuming her lack of words at the table were either because she felt like I did or because I said no the movie before we left to go eat.  But as soon as we finished eating and paid and stepped out in to the beautiful brain crushing bright sunlight, she asked again to which I once again said no.  So… not a lot of words on the way home.  She asked again somewhere a long the way… adding this time, “are you sure?, it will cheer you up” and I said, “Yes I am sure because it will cheer you up but not me.” and so I went back to my room and got inline because I feel like crap and no one is around cept mom but mom is a kid/rapist about the movie so I am currently not amused with her efforts because I am the one depressed and some how she has me feeling guilty for her… not sure how people do this to me… but it happens every day.  They should make commercials about it.  Warning, everyday someone is sad and try to get help, but the person they turn to for help wants their own fun so they will turn your sad, upside down in to ….GUILT.  Yeah that should come on between the drug commercials and the ones about plastic babies crawling in to streets and dying if they (run out of batteries) get exposed to smoke.  PS that was not in any way shape or form, me condoning smoking.  I do not.  But still, sometimes the commercials are a bit much or a bit lacking or both which is talent but anyways… back to topic which is my people.  So person # 1= couch   So I would go to person # 4 which is my best friend… only he lives in Georgia and I live in Ky and well, sometimes a long distance best friendship has it’s disadvantages especially when he is either napping or reading, either way…not responding mt my very long text message which is what has led me here to entertain the masses.  Then we have person # 3 (boyfriend) who should be # 1  but due to his … lack of desire or ability to respond to my insanity, so he got bumped down.  Anyhoo, he is at work and will be til 1am.  It is now 9pm.  But then it occurred to me…. maybe I am not even here right now.  Maybe I never woke up.  Or maybe I am with person #2 who really is  person #1 but she doesn’t live with me so… she gets a bump as well.  Anyhoo, she went to the lake where I was supposed to go with her but I was bi-polar high the last couple of days all of which I was awake for and so I decided not to go….. Or did I.  Maybe I feel like this because really I went to the lake with my person and I have fallen down a hill on to a pile of rocks and my head is busted open and I am bleeding out in to the river and people see all the blood and they think a part of the Bible is happening again and some are fearful and some are looking at me saying, “Hey does that make her an angel?  Why is she fat?  Why is she not all angelic looking?  Why can she not just get up and fly away?” And all the while I am BLEEDING to death and not even close to being an angel (Just ask one of  my gay hating neighbors and one of my gay hating cousins) and so I am bleeding on the rocks and all people can think is about my fat ass, and the fish dying before that can catch.. the “Big” one.  OK so now here it comes.. death.  Will I be meeting Hitler?  Is that Heaven or hell?  So I meet Hitler and we sit down and have a talk of Jews and our common enemy, our self hate and it is so interesting that I forget to even bother to look down to see if my feet are on streets of gold, or fiery coals.  Oh and if you read a previous post you will know that according to one part of the Bible, Hitler could have asked for forgiveness and might be floating with a harp up in Heaven playing bad mitten with mini angels (they are ting and can take a beaten.  You hit these tiny angels with your whacker and they fly straight over to the place you imagined your perfect hit to send the mini angel and she really does go there IF you have not used your heavenly head explody powers today.  Or maybe I am sitting at my computer typing the insanity in my head and spilling it out on to this blog for all my many followers to hear the ramblings of a crazy woman. Oh and… I am not gay.  I am pretty sure I am an unquenched bisexual… but then there is all the gay hating “love you on holidays” family members that I have decided to lose through death and not through finding out how much a woman could make me love her.  But then again, when all is said and done, I am happy with said boyfriend and I doubt I would find any other man or woman that would be as kind, loving, affection, forgiving of my crazy and my mean moments and still want to sit around watching stupid shit on TV while I randomly half way scream while I grab him and give him a sudden and very brief shake just to see if I can scare him enough to get him to gasp over absolutely nothing.  98% of the time I can.  It’s the little things you love about someone.  And I do really really love him.  And the more crazy I get, the steadier his love for me is.  This blog is quite mild compared to my manic highs where I am saying all this stuff only loudly and pacing back and forth while doing it… so do you think he just has not noticed I am insane?  Or do you think he doesn’t mind?  Or maybe he just accepts me for who I am and loves me anyways.

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