This shit is real and really crazy
So I learned the other day that little sqwooshy blue brains are not “real” blue brains… cause we all know brains are blue, free with every seminar and small enough to squeeze to relief pressure from your CTS which stands for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. My mom has it, I do not. “Why do you want me to go?” “I do not know, just to hang out I guess.” “Ok” And that is how me, a 30 year old with tendinitis came to be at a CTS seminar. When we arrived parking was a bitch till poof, there’s one and then we went in and thank God for old people just randomly talking to strangers cause we might have been late due to my choice of direction being termed as. “no end in site” and so I was about to turn around and go… well there really was not another direction to go in really which is why I thought my way was right but anyways, this older woman is just randomly talking to us, to other strangers and so on and my mom jumps in and does that whole, lets be friends for two hours and never see each other again so we both end up in the mutual destination at the same time. When we walked up, she asked if we had registered over the phone and I thought oh shit, mom had no idea and now they are gonna tell her to suck up because her CTS was not as important as the people who called and registered and I am gonna have to go bitch-mode on these people. But alas not bitch was required. They simply had us sign in.. which included a spot for our email addresses so God help me suffer through CTS emails for the next ten years. But I did. The lady at the table was handing out pens and sqwooshy blue brains. I once had a Zoloft blob sqwooshy thing and at that moment I had no idea where it was and I am not on Zoloft anymore so it didn’t really matter but if I wasn’t on Zoloft and did not need that sqwooshy ball, then maybe, just maybe I did not need a sqwooshy blue brain and I was set in my plan to pass by the blue brains and pens and live on as well as anyone can without a blue sqwooshy brain. I do not know how I would make it, but somehow I had enough faith in myself so I attempted to pass the table of blue brains and pens. But of course this was not on the table for no reason, no no no these are free…. i looked at her thinking, yeah who would pay for a blue sqwooshy brain? And she said they were free once more and said you can take one, but at that moment someone swooped in and took the last brain off the table so I had to accept the idea that I would indeed have to go on with life without said sqwooshy but somehow i was able to take the next step toward the room full of people all with CTS… except pf course me… that is if I ever were meant to make it in there at all because the queen of the sqwooshy blue brain table took immediate notice of my empty hands and said don’t you want something? So I decided to play nice and I said, OK cool, so what is this? She pulls out a brain and very seriously says to me, “It’s OK. We are not giving out REAL blue brains.” I accepted the blue sqwooshy brain with as much of a straight face as I could and I made a little laugh that let her know, maybe just maybe I did not actually think she was giving out REAL blue brains and i walked away from her and sat down my brain and my bag and immediately took note of the free cheese and fruit and drinks. I told myself, “It’s OK, these really are REAL cheese and fruits” and i got some. I sat down with my eager mother who was expecting some miracle tricks, some techniques and maybe even a miracle from God passed down through and his slide presentation. But alas this was a Dr … at a hospital.. he was more specifically a surgeon who specialized in CTS surgery. Not only was he without any sense of humor, not only did he ask people to ask questions but look like he would shoot each person with mental bullets every time they asked requested questions, he also did NOT have any techniques other than the ones they use to diagnose the disease, but no techniques to practice nightly that would make the next few years for my mother a tad bit easier…. no he was a surgeon and so he said… SURGERY several times along with the mention of $30,000 and then said surgery a few more times and of course did not forget to remind people over and over that surgery would only help in stage 1 & 2 but if you do not get the surgery he is telling you that you need, preferably with him I am sure, that you will go to stage 3 and all hope is lost, for nothing will help. And as an added bonus, he informed her that getting CTS from computer work is a myth (which is what she was told gave her hers by another Dr) and so she got absolutely nothing out of this seminar but more worries, and some new unexpected confusion and… what was that other thing? Oh yeah. She got a pen and a sqwooshy blue brain… free… and not real…. Oh and I have mine too, sitting right in front of me inspiring me to write this for… for no one as of yet, lol. But you never know, this time next year I may be known around the world and China as the sqwooshy blue brain girl. A title I would try hard to uphold to all of it’s glory.