This shit is real and really crazy
Ok, so first off, I have to give the credit of this blog to my sister. She came up with the concept. However, the disasters you are about to read are ALL me.
Number 1 Never assume no one is ever going to want to see you naked, and never let that assumption lead to you never ever trimming or shaving the vag…. Cause you never know when someone may come along and smell good enough to drop your panties for
2 Never ask your catholic grandmother to play the radio unless you are SURE she does not only play prayer tapes
3 Never (if you are a naturally uptight person) decide out of no where to escape your uptight bubble and beat your fiance with a pillow when there is a low ceiling above you…. he still has a scar from where the light cover i broke with the pillow shot a shard of glass in to his chest.
4 Never assume your tampons are safe simply because you don’t have a dog…. cats are evil too
5 Never shut your door without taking your keys, til you test the lock mechanism first (meaning, don’t lock yourself out of your trailer the very first day you move in) points if you also did it again but this time you were in the garage
6 Never let 6th graders use M&M’s and your boobs as a basket ball court…. It will lead to tie dyed bras
7 Never let someone marry you, til you hear him say your name first. I am Cassandra mother fucker, Not Crassandra… I AM NOT A CROISSANT, DAMN IT!!!
8 Take flash dance as an instructional guide to turning your husband on…. Pouring a bucket of water on you while you have nothing on but a white wife beater…. well it basically looks hot for a second before it looks, feels and is fucking freezing and most guys do not enjoy fucking an ice sculpture.
9 Never say, “I like to watch porn” to my 2nd therapist
10 Never say, “I have started fasting to lose weight that my bi-polar meds you put me on made me gain” to my current psychiatrist
11 Never get your lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends/fiance’s/husbands/friends … or anyone that can later not be those things initials tattoo’d on your body. Stick to your mom’s, sister’s and children’s names put on you… like it or not, those are stuck with you for life.
12 Never swivel your hips/dance to the rhythm of your private Christian school’s (MICAH Christian School) copy machine… though it may be tempting
13 Never go to MICAH Christian school…. Ever… never ever… never. The only thing you will learn is A) you are going to hell, B) Pants will send a girl to hell, even though you pointed out that skirts are easier access to a boy, C) never point out to anyone who works at that school that there is any form of access for a boy, & D) braiding a boy’s hair will send you and that boy to hell…. Me and said boy are still alive so I will have to get back to you on that one