nosleepandcrazy

This shit is real and really crazy

Addiction, disease

anorexiabulemiafat woman

Which one of these pics do you feel less of a need to rescue the person?

Ever heard the saying, You should eat to live, not live to eat?  Well I have and from the moment I heard it, I knew I was living to eat.  I would love to say that once I heard this, once the horror of which I was living by sunk in, I went for a walk that turned in to a jog that turned in to a run that turned in to 1st place at a marathon.  But I can promise you it was far from that.  Have you ever seen the movie, for the love of Nancy?  Well the movie is about a woman who becomes anorexic and gets so sick that a judge signs over her rights to her father.  This was some huge deal.  I guess I was weird cause when I saw this I was more consumed by the realization as to how you can kill yourself just as easily by eating too much and no one takes your rights away for this.  I mean, starve yourself, or make yourself throw up and you can get locked away to be “saved”.  But eat 100 big macs a week and nothing happens.  I mean sure if you are morbidly obese at the age of 4 a social worker steps in, but what about when you are a teen and so on?  I mean sure my Dad has looked at me and said something about my weight and eating habits in my past.  Not now of course because at this point I have lost 83 pounds.  It was 100 exactly, but being diagnosed as bi-polar and getting put on meds for said diagnosis has lead to an unquenchable hunger and weight gain at the drop of a hat, or at the drop of one too many anything.  Anyways, currently my Dad has decided I have lost more weight instead of accepting reality which is that I gained a bit back.  But I guess if he is going to argue with me anyways, better for it to be a positive argument rather than a negative one.  Anyways, back to the whole other thing.  Anorexia nervosa is this huge big bad thing that people freak out about.  Why?  Because it can cause all kinds of horrible things to your body and of course, the big bad thing, it can kill you.  Some of the big bad things it can cause is for your periods to become rare and eventually stop happening all together.  You can end up without the ability to have children all together even if you manage to recover from this disease.  Disease.  So many addictions are considered diseases.  Alcoholism and anorexia and bolimia are all considered a disease.  It is horrible and can kill you and cause terrible problems and of course the side affect that it damages your family’s emotional well being as much as your physical well being.  People recognize this as a disease as a general rule.  But, then when someone starts putting on the pounds, which by the way kills way more people than any of the previous mentioned diseases and also can cause infertility as well, no one cares.  I mean sure, you get picked on in school and you know you don’t look like the Victoria Secret models, but it’s not commonly called a disease.  People tell you to just “stop eating”.  Would you tell an anorexic to just stop not eating?  Well of course you would.  But you would most likely not assume your simple sentence would solve all of that persons problems.  Why?  Because it is a disease.  They need treatment.  They need help.  They need support from all around them.  They  need love and care.  They need someones hand as they take that first bite, and more importantly the second bite.  Do you think anyone holds an obese person’s hand to help them put down their fork?  No, instead they yell at them, call them fat, fat ass, chubby, ugly and my favorite, stupid.  Do you call someone with cancer stupid for losing their hair?  Absolutely not.  Do you call someone who drinks til they black out every night and beat their kids stupid?  Nope.  But eat a whole large pizza and they will call you stupid and a whole lot of other things.  How does it make sense that some things going in and out of your mouth are an addiction, a disease, but over eating is just left outside of the category where you have people rush to your side with love and help and tears?  Because that is just how things are.  When the show Ally McBeal was on, and the main actress, Chalista Flockhard suddenly became knows as anorexic because she wore a white dress with no back, do you think people stopped watching the show?  No freaking way, in fact people tuned in to see it even more to see if she gained or lost more.  A side note to this, if you look back on her career, you will very easily see that she was always that skinny, not just the moment she wore a white backless dress.  The world rushed to her side with concern though.  When Kelly Clarkson gained some weight this past year, she got added to those horrible summer body don’ts magazines.  My mom and I were looking at one recently and my mom said, “Oh wow, she really has gained a bit.  That is such a shame.  She really does not look good in this.”  I very quickly pointed out to my mom that technically she was doing exactly what a plus size person should do during the bathing suit weather, she has a one piece on, and it was black.  Yes she did gain weight.  Yes she was on the beach in a bathing suit, but she was wearing a fully covering black suit.  My mom agreed and we put it back and got in line.  Now my mom is not a thin person.  I come from a long line of obese family members.  My mom was not making fun of her, she just feels sorry for anyone who has a nice body and then gains weight because my mom was once a very very tiny person.  So she knows how people will start looking at Kelly Clarkson now that she gained weight.  Suddenly the focus is not on her voice, it is on her weight gain.  This is stupid to me because her voice sounds exactly like it did when she was first discovered.  You know this, and I know this.  She is all over the tabloids getting made fun of.  Now reverse the idea.  If she were too thin, if her bones were standing out, she would still be all over magazines, but instead of making fun of her, the world would be worried about her.  They would say, this has to stop, someone has to help her, she could die.  I myself am over wieght.  I am still 101 pounds over weight.  Do you think my life line is not affected by this any less than if I were 45 pounds underweight?  No.  If I went to the Dr and I was underweight they would have a much needed conversation with me about my health.  They would have suggestions.  When I go to the Dr, may it be cause I have a cold or because I have a nervous breakdown, or want to have kids or my ankle hurts, they will ALL tell me I need to lose weight.  The difference is if you make yourself throw up or starve yourself, the death comes on faster.  Some say this about smoking and drinking as well.  But I am sure we all know someone who does one or both of those and are well in their late years.  Plenty of anorexics make it in to their late years and so on.  Being over weight is just as likely to kill you as any other addiction, but America has decided to accept this.  They have decided to make it a comedy routine.  I can not tell you how many shows have lost ratings because of stupid things like hair cuts and posing nude in magazines and of course, weight gain.  I mean if the lead starts out as a size 0 we of course do not want to stick around when she gets to the dreaded (considered to be plus size) size 12.  Does the actors talent get eaten up as well?  When someone cuts all their hair off, are they less than they were before?  If someone throws up everything they eat, are their witty comebacks on the big or small screen any less funny?  Of course not.  If a show gets canceled because of too much weight loss, it is because the network stops the show out of concern.  But viewers continue to watch because not only do they love the show, they now love the actor that is sick with their disease.  There was a show years ago called step by step.  One of the shows scene stealers was a guy named Sasha Mitchell who played a character named Cody.  After the show had been on for years, it came out in the news that that actor had been beating the shit out of his wife.  So he went to court and all that jazz and of course was let go from the show.  The show did not survive long without him.  People missed “Cody” and stopped watching.  Utter bull shit.  Yes the show wasn’t the same, but I respected them for letting him go.  He beat the hell out of her so bad she was in the hospital.  If the guy has simply lost a lot of weight and it came out he was starving himself, all of the viewers and the new viewers that started watching because they suddenly “loved” him, would have been there to support him.  But he beats his wife and we stop watching.  The main character on that show played by Suzanne Summers was constantly bashed over any weight gain while on the show.  She had originally been on the show, Three’s Company and was tiny, ditzy and of course, blonde.  But Step by Step was much later in life so of course her body was different.  Her weight went up and down and the shows ratings were affected.  OK so back to myself, I am obese.  I struggle with my battle to eat healthy and exercise every second of every day just like someone who has been starving themselves since they were as young as I was when I started over eating.  I have been made fun of for years, but no one has ever tried to take away my rights.  This is America damn it, I have the right to be fat if I want to.  And these days it is not even lonely like this.  There are “chubby chasers” all over the country.  Men in particular love a full figured woman, this is what they call it.  Someone who is a size 14 or 16 is full figured in my opinion. Even 12’s are hip-ish and voluptuous.  But there are people out there chasing people who are in sizes as large as the late 20’s.  Some of these chasers will leave the love of their life if they decide to lose the weight.  I am killing myself.  I am doing it the same way as any anorexic, or alcoholic or bulimic person out there.  My Dr’s who are educated in the ways a body works tell me every time I see them to lose weight.  If I eat well and exercise well, my mental state might improve, I may be able to finally get pregnant and my life will last longer.  I will feel better.  I will be better.  I have a disease.  It is killing me.  I am dying, rather you think I am or not.  It is a slow death, but it is much quicker of a death than a healthy person is ever gonna see.  It is an addiction.  I love to eat.  I live to eat.  I hope one day I will eat to live, but right now that is not the case.  People reach out to me and then buy me pizza.  If I were bulimic no one would reach out to me, buy me pizza and then hand me a tooth brush.  No, of course not.  Once upon a time, women said they wanted to be loved for their minds and not their bodies.  They did not want to be loved for a tiny waist and big tits.  People still say it, and for those same reason, but now it can also be crossed over to not wanting to be loved for being ”voluptuous” as well.  I have a problem.  I need help.  I want help and I have to knowledge to help myself.  But I do not have the strength to put that knowledge in to motion most of the time.  I sometimes look back at my life and I wish I could go back in time and tell myself in 5th grade that if you stop now, your life will be soooo much better.  Fifth grade is when my weight gain began, it is when I began eating to make myself feel better.  If only I had loved myself back then.  That thought goes through my head over and over and over.  If only I had loved myself back then, this never would have happened.  And yes, I am brave enough to admit that I have also tossed around the thought that, if only I loved myself now, maybe, just maybe this would all go away.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on December 11, 2012 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , .
%d bloggers like this: