This shit is real and really crazy

33 hours and counting

cant-sleepok so today i am manic, well i say today but it started sat and suddenly went from manic to FUCKING MANIC in one moment and so now I have been awake for 33 and 1/2 hours.  i am having trouble seeing, my hands are shaking so bad wrapping the 10 presents i just wrapped was an Olympic event and now i am trying to type.  im tired and so full of jittery energy i could explode in to little hyper particles that would turn everyone in my state hyper.   I spent the entire night trying to get my mom to laugh cause almost all the tree lights died and that led to a trip to walmart that was an epic failure as we stood there at what was left of the lights next to two people who had the same hopeless looks in their eyes as we did.  but my genius mother suggested we go to k mart and not only did they have lights, they were on sale!!!  score!!! but our excitement was very soon tarnished by the 70 minute line we waited in.  so apparently i am spending too much money on my peoples.  look i enjoy buying things for people.  my sister and i get things for each other all year long cause we like to.  if she is broke i will take her out to eat or get her a shirt etc and she will return the favor on another time.  we do not keep score, some times she does this for me repeatedly when i am broke for a very long extended time.  its just love love love.  when i date people rather it be new or old i buy them stuff all the time.  just because i am a girl does not mean i should not surprise him or her with a gift.  and roses are nice but i would rather get a damn used dvd of some random movie we can watch and laugh about.  but back to my bummer mode caused by people.  i have friends.  i love christmas.  i buy them things.  lots of things.  i fucking enjoy it.  we had a big christmas party.  2 of my friends got me a gift and i got gifts for like 20 people.  am i sad or grumpy that i did not get more? NO!!! one of my gifts was so damn awesome that she almost cried.  i thought she was crying, but her boyfriend said it was a girl-gasm.  her gift was not even the most expensive gift.  i ask everyone for suggestions and she was kind enough to give me some.   one to be specific.  an anime called black butler.  well i got her the first season last christmas so i was happy to get her the rest this season.  seeing as how she loved the first season, wanted the second season, my brain did some stuff and a little purple light bulb came on and rained rainbows on my gooey stuff and i thought, hey maybe she would like black butler stuff, like figurines of all the main characters, i also found a deck of cards from the anime.  honestly it was simple to come up with these and she thanked me for knowing her better than her own family.  i hear that a lot from my friends… damn family, god just ask for one suggestion and go with it.  but those friends for the most part got gifts last year so they knew it was coming and with much resistance have learned to accept my love for the holiday and they know what to say… thank you.  thats all i want.  well what i really want are orgasms in girl and boy form for buying the most amazing gift.  cause it makes me feel special.  thats better than anything they could spend money on.  her reaction made my night.  the party was an epic success all together.  the next night, the sat i have mentioned and have yet to return to sleepy goodness since was great, more daughter daddy bonding.  talk of his balls to get a rise out of him was a must.  he made the mistake of telling me his balls were uneven on thanksgiving in 2006 and we (my sister and i) have never let him live it down since.  before you go judging me just keep in mind that this man is not happy unless our blood is pumping over some assy thing he said to get a rise out of us.  all is fair in father daughter/ daughter father love and war.  but i had to come to the party late seeing as how my special someone worked that day.  soon as he got off work we ran to the party.  i only changed my clothes twice cause i wanted to get there so bad.  ok maybe there was also a failed attempt at wearing my dress pants that are sadly not fitting at this moment.  i hung out with my step mom and no she is not the wicked step mom from some disney fairy tale.  she is amazing and has accepted things about me that my own blood have not.  after i visited with her and we sat at the table watching all the “traffic” fly by back and forth chasing their kids and what not, i wen to the man cave/basement to visit with my dad.  soon as my sister left our presence he said that i spent too much money on him and it made him feel bad that he could not do it in return.  he said next year he will ask for one thing and one thing only.  i reminded him i did not care to get anything in return that it made me happy to give him pretty like things.  somewhere along the way he tells me that i had been dropping hints for a new washer and dryer and he was glad my boyfriends parents bought us one.  I WAS NOT hinting for a washer and dryer.  I was simply explaining to him something about my life.  i needed one and next year i was gonna have to cause my boyfiend did his laundry at his parents and he didnt know what a delicate cycle was never mind the fact that $7 panties and $45 bras do NOT get dried.  they have to hang dry.   the hang drying part is why i dont want to wash my dirty lacey things at his parents house, i got big tits and slutty panties and i dont need either of his parents to see them.  my dad owns a marina and all he talks about is how hard he works and how there is never not something he NEEDS to do.  he also tells me how the economy has killed his business along with the weather.  too much rain or not enough.  its killing him.  now, he tells me about this every time i see him,do i think he is hinting to me to give him thousands of dollars to save him?  nope.  i think he needs to talk about it, and he wants to share his life with me.  i was NOT hinting for a washer and dryer.  i would never do that.  i didnt ask my boyfriends parents to do it.  i said to all of them i was going to get them in march.  i am grateful.  but i did not ask or expect it.  it was a christmas miracle to me and i cant do enough laundry lol.  i just wash something new every day.  so now i feel guilty about spending my money on too much stuff for him.  i find it retarded but i do.  i mentioned to mom and said, “you wont guilt me for what i got you, will you?” and she responded NOT the way I wanted.  she said, “how much did you spend on me?”  i was like oh dont start.  you see i am fucking crazy as you may have figured out by other blogs i posted or by the fact that i  have not slept in 30 some hours.  i cant work.  i am on disability.  i barely have bills, i pay them first and then i spend the rest of my money on christmas gifts from august til dec.  i just want to.  when i spawn a tiny human i am sure my money will be directed towards said tiny human.  til then i spread it around.  so now i am manic and hyper and obsessively feeling guilty and am questioning every gift i bought the past few months.  im bummed.  i spent a shit ton more on my sisters bachlorette party and she didnt make me feel guilty, no she told me thank you thank you thank you a million times and still reminds me with a thank you here and there and that was back in june.  i enjoyed spending the money on my sister.  she is one of the most important people to have ever existed in all of time in my opinion.  i spent a lot of money on gifts for her this year.  things she asked for and things i came up with.  i gave her one already and she loved it.  it was something she sent me a link to in august saying she loved it, i saved the link and bought it when i began my shopping.  i have had that shirt since sept or oct.  she was excited and her face lit up.  thats all i wanted.  she didnt say thank you with words, she said it with her eyes and her face and her giggle.  thats better than any gift she will have bought for me this year.  not to say i dont want them, just to say i made her happy and thats all i want is for my most important peoples to be happy.  also the thing me and my boy toy got her for her birthday will most undoubtedly beat all of her chrsimas gifts by ten times.  i can not wait til dec 28th.  would i be upset if she bought me a gift for every gift i bought her?  nope.  do i want her to or expect her to, hell no.  she is there for me when i hit rock bottom and she gets me laughing faster than anyone i know.  we dont keep score, we do it cause we love love love each other forever and always.  besides i will get married someday and i am sure my bach party will rock too.  she promises so since my moron friends failed it in epic proportions including they didnt invite ANY of my other brides maids to my bach party and they wasted all their money on penis hats and penis candy for me to wear all night and in the end i had to buy all their drinks and did not have any money left over to tip the drag queens or get even close to tipsy myself.   i want the look.  the thank you face.  the words are great too, but the look is worth more cause you cant fake that.  no one i bought these gifts for aside from my sister even read my blog.  i wish they did, but they dont and i accept that… kinda.  i cant wait til christmas eve for my mamaw, step mom and sister, her husband and my bumming me out father thingy.  you know the gift giving thingy.  thur i am having a get together with my mom, my mamaw and my honey man.  i cant wait.  christmas day it is my moms side of the family and then my mans parents.  rather someone gives me 21 or 1 suggestion next year, i will get how ever many gifts i want.  its my money and as they say, no one can make you happy but yourself and i make me happy when i give to people.  i did the whole angel thing too, you know where you go to the mall and adopt an angel and you buy stuff for them.  my friend tara was doing it and i was inspired and i did it too.  we talked to the lady at the booth.  she asked if we minded doing an older kid because no one ever wanted them, they all wanted babies. she took 2 of the oldest kids and i took one of the oldest kids.  i spent a lot of money on this boy.  not because i think it makes me a good person, not because i think god will let me stand a little closer to those pearly gold gates, but because i am friends with people that have parents that write them IOU’s every christmas and i know how it hurts her.  so i wanted this boy i picked to have his needs met and i got him a watch, that was the only thing listed as his likes.  i got a coat ans clothes and shoes and all that jazz.  i would have done more if i had had the money and next year i will plan for that so i can do more.  and i will for sure get the older kids so they have as good a christmas at 13 as i did.  that is how old the kids are that never get picked.  i feel good to know that someone will have a happy merry christmas this year.  i feel happy to have spent my money on this stranger because i would hope someday if i were not able to give to my children that maybe a stranger would help them out.  and even if i never need help for my kids, that kid needed help and he deserved it.  it makes me happy.  if i had millions of dollars i would make sure every kid in my state had an amazing christmas.  i would pay off my moms house, i would pay off my sisters house, i would help my dad with his marina, i would do what i could for everyone i love.  i have a car, i  was lucky enough to get a nice used car which i love as though it was a car from 2013.  i got to go pick it out with my dad.  very good memory.  he was an amazing dad that day.  sure i love to get my shopping on and buy myself some anime and some jeans and whatever else i find.  and i do a lot after the holidays and this year my sister wont be getting married so i will be saving money and treating myself to things on my amazon wishlist.  but i will also surprise a friend with a new manga, anime or anything else i want whenever i want because i can and i enjoy it… especially for my sister.  i have a boyfriend that takes care of me.  and i can afford my bills.  i am taken care of.  my extra money is for me to do what i want to with.  so please please, stop bumming me out.  my money.  in the fabulous words of my sister, i am old enough to fuck, drink, vote and get married.  and damn it, i am old enough to spend my money on people i love and cherish any damn day i want.  the end.

ps, sorry for the lack of grammar and capital letters and all that jazz but like i said… lots of no sleep.

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