This shit is real and really crazy

It’s not a baby’s room, it’s an empty room. (updated)


I think by the title and this pic, I need not say more.  But then that would be a very short blog so I will say more anyways.  I have been with my lovely person for almost 2 years and we started trying to have a baby a few months ago.  I tried for 3 years with my ex.  I have PCOS which basically means every thing a woman’s body is supposed to do, well my body says fuck it, let’s try something else.  If you read this and thought, “hey, what is PCOS?  Maybe I should google it.”  But I do not assume you will feel the need to do so just cause I had a thought pass through my brain that you might.  So here is the basics, PCOS 101.  Typically you are at a high weight, check.  Typically you have unwanted body hair, check.  Typically you suffer from depression, check.  Typically you have to have surgery once or more to have cysts removed from your ovaries.  Oh and the big one, typically… not very often… some times never ever ever ever, do you have a period.  Now I know that sounds nice.  Going all through my teen years and only having a period 4 times a year was very convenient.  BUT… why am I not having a period?  Well I decided for a very long time to ignore this little fact along with many others.  I mean it was nice to not have to worry about it like all my friends.  And I was young and I was not having sex (because I was fat, and when I got skinny, then I would have a boyfriend) so it just didn’t matter.  I mean, sure… Dr’s would hear this and insist I needed a pap smear.  Sure sure.  I was going to do it. (I was going to have a female exam, when I got skinny)  I was gonna have a  whole new life… when I got skinny.  I was gonna get skinny in college, so I thought, lets not have senior pics in high school while I am fat.  Let’s wait til I am a senior in college and then I will be a senior and skinny and then I would get senior pics.  Side note, I survived college two full years, never got skinny and never got those pics.  But then one random day, J boy entered my life and he smelled really really really nice.  I had never been one of those girls who talked on the phone.  I am still not.  But with him, it was different.  We would talk for hours and hours on the phone about absolutely anything and everything.  But then I saw him in person, this guy that I had had a very big crush on when I was in 9th and tenth grade, I had known him since I was in 1st.  And in person, he smelled like Heaven.  A few times he borrowed some dvd’s and when I got them back I would inhale his scent off of them.  Very soon my self hate got pushed to the side by my late but very powerful hormones.  I was finally wanting a man.  And it was him.  We dated for about 6 months, it went no where and we lost touch again after.  Don’t worry, we are back in touch now.  Just friends people, jeez, get your mind out of the gutter.  But I am avoiding smelling him til further notice.  Anyways, when we started getting interested in each other, the time had come for a pap smear.  So I did it.  I fainted too.  But I got on birth control and the sex was had.  But nothing worked right.  I was not regular and it was just not right.  Eventually I had a pregnancy scare with my now x-husband right when we first started dating cause of some anti-biotics.  But instead of freaking out, he made big plans as to how we would fit a crib in to our giant walk in closet.  So the idea of having a baby was implanted.  A year later we were engaged and on new year’s eve we decided to try.  2007 started with utter excitement for me.  But nothing happened.  So, I decided to see a real gynecologist instead of my local Dr.  I learned a lot really really fast.  I learned that being on the shot was NOT the answer because of the horrible side affects.  I learned I had PCOS and all these periods I had been having and not having was a result of that.  I was not making eggs, instead I was making what my Dr called “fluff”.  The problem with this fluff is it becomes cysts on your ovaries.  If not removed, those cysts turn in to cancer.  So she did this special exam.  Chris, my fiance at the time could not come in.  I was in a room with two woman and they took lots of pics inside me and then had to do a biopsy and when that happened I wanted Chris more than anyone in the world.  I can not describe how bad it hurts to have someone shove a metal object inside you while fully awake and not on any pain meds aside from the tylenol they recommended I take a half hour before I got there and then they took that damn metal thing and basically ripped a piece of me right out of me.  It was awful.  Luckily I did not have cancer, but I did have the cysts so I had to have surgery.  The day of the surgery, I passed out again.  Got all worked up right before it.  Freaked everyone out.  Chris and my mom had that look on their face when their puppy dies.  Only one of those people still make that look when I am in trouble now.  I will let you guess which one.  So anyways that was all fun and dandy and we eventually went back to trying to have a baby.  But nothing happened.  My dr put me on meds and she warned me how it could cause multiple births.  This was even better.  And twins ran in his family anyways.  All I ever wanted was 2-3 kids.  If I did it all at once, HURRAY!!!  But still, nothing happened.  We got married and our marriage fell apart in less than a year, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary with the knowledge he may leave any day.  No baby came, no husband stayed.  Went back on the pill and lived the single life a bit.  But now back to the land of now and I am trying again.  No I am not married, no I am not engaged.  Fuck that shit, I rushed it once and once was enough.  However, when you have PCOS your body is on a ticking clock.  Meaning 35 can for many women be the end of any possibility for getting pregnant.  I am turning 31 on March 30th, 2013.  So reality has kicked in.  I live with my person and he is amazing and ready to make that step with me.  So we have started trying.  I have cleaned the “junk room” so that it is ready for a crib and pink and blues all over the walls.  But now, nothing is happening.  And I have lost my sex drive in like… 100% of every way I can think of.  People think it’s the pressure of having a baby.  No, it is not.  I mean I put all that pressure on myself for almost 3 years with my ex.  Month after month of tests destroying my emotional status.  So this time, I am just gonna say fuck it.  But saying it is all I am doing.  He has a very low sex drive, but trust me it is NOT his fault.  I just do not want to.  Going off the pill has had an opposite affect on me than all other women on the fucking planet.  See that, I can say fuck, I can think fuck, and I can type fuck… but I can’t get myself to actually fuck.  I know I should care more but I just do not.  Holidays have kept us both very very busy.  So for the first time ever, I am going to make a new years resolution (because everyone does it and uses it as an excuse to eat nonstop til jan1st so I don’t do it) and it is going to be to have more sex.  I bought ovulation kits.  They are like pregnancy tests, you piss on them and it tells you rather or not you could have sex, or if you should have sex.  Who knows, maybe doing it will be addictive and I will start to want to do it.  But the thing that is torturing me more than anything is this damn room.  The baby’s room.  It is empty.  The once called junk room is now the spare room.  It is empty.  The carpets are freshly vacuumed and I have this thought in my head to not waste money on furniture because I will get pregnant and have to turn it in to the nursery.  But like I said, I am not pregnant and may never be so I just keep seeing this damn taunting empty fucking room.  It hurts to pass it by, but I have to, to go to the bathroom, or this room with the computer.  So I have decided to say fuck it and just get some random cheap shit and make it some form of a room.  Now I do not want to put all my books or movies in there cause then if I miraculously get pregnant I will have to find them a new home.  So I do not know what to put in there, if anyone reads this and has suggestions, please comment.  I am up for anything.  Just as long as it is not permanent and not empty.  I want it to be fun when I walk by.  I just need it to be something other than a junk room or an empty room.  It just hurts so fucking bad.  Image

What do you think?  Is this too much?  Really, I need suggestions.


This would be bad ass!!!!!

awesome room

7 comments on “It’s not a baby’s room, it’s an empty room. (updated)

  1. psychofab
    January 2, 2013

    Actually I think I giant ball pit is a fabulous idea. I once agreed to a date with a guy solely because he had a ball pit in his house, and this amused me. On the reality side, why don’t you paint it something easily changable? Put a pretty mural on the wall or something that will work for a baby and work to make the room a happier place. i could help you.

  2. psychofab
    January 2, 2013

    p.s. the guy turned out to be a douchenozzle, but the ball pit was bad ass.

  3. bipolaronfire
    January 5, 2013

    Well i vote that you just turn it into the baby’s room and you vow that you will be a mother, either by this or by artificial insemination, even if you have to have your eggs harvested, or you adopt. If you want to be a mother, and I think you really do, do it! Coming from a 46 year old who wishes she had figured it all out at your age, JUST DO IT, honey. Make it happen because you deserve it and your child deserves YOU.

    • nosleepandcrazy
      January 5, 2013

      Thank you so much. The only reason I do not kinda go for that, trust me I thought about it…. But his parents come over a lot and they do not know I am trying. We are not married and they would freak out. I think one day when I am pregnant they will jump on board but right now they would never stop hassling us. I respect his parents and so I am not going to put him in the middle of that. But trust me I am going to TRY HARD. Actually, a lot of people do not know. People went through me trying for a couple years before and my ups and downs over it every time I was not pregnant. I just can not give up. I want it so fucking bad I can just about feel the first kick. I have bought so many things for him or her. I will be using my family crib, meaning it was mine and a few other family members. So that means the room will be dark wood. I have 2 car seats, a bouncy seat, clothes and a mini lawn chair so he or she can sit outside with me. I have learning stuff, safety stuff, and all kinds of things. I finally stopped buying things due to not getting lucky. But I can’t walk by the baby section without looking at a few things. Besides, I want to get pregnant and get inspired and do the room… but for now I am just gonna do some funky stuff to it. Thank you though. Keep me in your thoughts. Send me baby making vibes… or just egg producing vibes.

      • bipolaronfire
        January 5, 2013

        I will send you all of my good vibes!!!! ❤

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This entry was posted on December 31, 2012 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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