This shit is real and really crazy
235.2 is my weight today. My boyfriend got me new scales that appear to work incredibly well. No matter how many times I weigh in, it is the same. So anyways I woke up at 8ish and got out of bed at 9ish when my boyfriend’s mom stopped by to drop off some milk and honey bubble bath stuff. I was glad she got me out of bed. Got me moving. Finally put away those overflowing two baskets of laundry away. Found out during that process that my cats, one of them had an accident amongst the towels so they are in the washer going around their second wash… one just didn’t seem enough. At least the clothes were in the other basket so they are clean and fine, but it didn’t mean I did not smell each and every article, right down to every little rainbow sock. Anyways, I lost two pounds, a little over actually. I fasted. Now I just need to know what to make for dinner. Last night it was spaghetti. I did actually eat too much. I hate that I did. But what’s done is done. I was surprised today to discover that pineapple tastes good with whip cream on it, so does cantaloupe… and of course the strawberries. I ate a couple of blueberries. I have heard they are good for you, antioxidants and all that. But I just can not get in to them. It is really a shame. I seem to not like the best things for diets, mushrooms, tomatoes, celery, blueberries. On biggest loser that make hamburgers with all healthy stuff and instead of buns or bread they use huge mushrooms to replace it. Why do I have to not like them? I like sandwiches and I like hamburgers. I could eliminate so many calories. I do not know what was wrong with me last night though. I guess where I barely slept for 3 days, well 3 1/2 days and all I got was maybe 10 hours… well of course that leads to messing everything up. You can eat more often, or you can end up skipping certain meds that you take when you go to sleep, I mean if you do not go to sleep, you do not take them. Anyways, I went to visit my step-mom in the hospital. She just had her right hip replaced. Driving to the hospital I did not feel right at all, I thought it was because I did not know the area. While I was visiting her, I was distracted and I could ignore it, but on the way out and driving home, I was just not right. I also got up at 3am yesterday and took a 2 hour nap somewhere in there which is unlike me. I was still not ok, I was out of it. I began to feel very anxious and uncomfortable. My heart was not racing, but I took a panic pill anyways. Nothing helped. I told Jason to remind me I am on a diet if I tried to eat something because I had already had dinner. But when we got home, food was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to be ok, but I really wasn’t. I wanted to cut, but at the place I was in, I might have cut my whole leg off. I could very clearly visualize it though, just taking my blades across my leg, but instead of neat lines, it would be hacking away left and right. I made myself stay in the bed. Jason was there and he was talking and I could barely hear him. His voice hurt. I could not get up to get anything. I had to have him bring me meds and water more than once. I just could not get out of bed. I was hurting so bad. My skin didn’t fit. It was too tight, or too small. I kept scratching at it, but nothing helped. I wanted to die because it was the only thing I could think of that could make it better. But I reminded myself I could get through this. So I drugged myself. I willed myself to swallow more pills. I choked on them. My phobia for swallowing pills was at its peak with the help of everything else going on. I do not remember falling asleep, I do not remember feeling release. I was just gone. I did not dream. I did not hurt. I did not exist. I was gone and it was dark and quiet and peaceful. Today I woke up and I feel about normal, well normal for me. I am not happy, but I am not sad. I do not feel good, but I do not feel bad. I am just here. It is a welcome calm.