nosleepandcrazy

This shit is real and really crazy

The evil that makes me fat with a smile on my face

ImageThis is Serequile XR

 

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This giant ass thing is Lamictal.

These make me smile a lot.  Maybe not like this

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But considering I used to ALWAYS look like this…

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I mean I of course took time outs from the frown to go for the dead face that everyone finds it necessary to point out.  So anyways, those are the big bad.  I am happier than I have been in forever and I love them…. but I hate them too.  I got put on them in March.  May of last year I got put on the new meds.  At first I was on the full “normal” dose of the serequil xr but it caused me to start sleeping.  A lot.  As in I was never awake.  Now I know I talk about how I can sleep for 17 hours straight, which is because of those meds, but when I was on the full dose, which is 4 pills, I never woke up.  I had to completely stop taking them so I could be awake for my birthday party which was at the end of March.  But after the family party and the awesome party my sister threw me, I took the full dose again.  I was out. I was not happy.  But that is what my Dr told me to do, so that is what I did.  But I went back to see her and told her what was up.  I had blood work done.  I started taking lots of vitamins. I could not find a sliver of energy so she told me to take 3 and I tried that but very quickly we decided I was to take 2 with the exception of the rare night that I still could not get to sleep.  Well in the process of getting all this to work out, I was holding on to my diet with death grips.  I did it.  I got to 219lbs and I was thrilled.  I could finally say, I lost 100 pounds.  In may when my brother-n-laws birthday came about, I was shying away from my Dad bragging to his employees about my 100 pound mark.  In my head, yes this was amazing, but I knew what people were thinking, DAMN if this is 100lbs lighter, just imagine the horror that was a 100 pounds more than what they were looking at.  But anyways, I had lost it.  That was a fun weekend.  We went out on the boat a lot and my loving Stepmom bought lots of stuff from the deli for us to eat.  Deli ham, turkey. roast beef, breads and cheese and of course lettuce, tomato etc.  There was also a baked spaghetti night as well.  That is right about the beginning of the loss of my grasp on my diet.  All weekend people talked about my 100lbs and by the time I got home, one weekend and I had gained almost 10lbs.  After that I was horrified and angry with myself and that lead to a few binges and this whole realization of how much more hungry I was with the new meds.  Not only do they cause weight gain from the normal food you eat, but they also increase your appetite a lot too.  Since then I have tried and tried and tried to get back in to it.  I make promises to myself which I break.  I was getting exercise with my sister til I moved and now I no longer have a walking buddy.  My boyfriend, Jason will take me out to eat if I ask and that is awesome and horrible all at the same time.  So lets tally this up, I am gaining weight, I am hungry all damn day, I sleep too much and when I am awake, half the time I am groggy for several hours before I am awake enough to want to move.  So I feel better but…. I am smiling but…..  I can not live like this.  I want kids.  I want to borrow my sisters jeans.  I want to not dread the scales at the Dr’s that I seem to not be able to stay away from.  I want to go shopping in the same stores as my sister.  I want to NOT BE FREAKING HUNGRY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!  People bitch at me for “fasting” and in all actuality it is not fasting, it is putting off my first meal for a few hours.  When I wake up all I can think is CEREAL CEREAL CEREAL!!!  But if I make myself wait, I get over it and then I forget about it and realize I am really not even hungry.  Right now I am hungry and I know I can not eat and I know I do not need to eat either.  I had a big dinner.  It was not really that bad if you don’t count the biscuits.  I made scrambled eggs, plain eggs.  No grease, no butter, no salt.  I put eggs in the pan, turn on the burner and stir every once in a while.  I got a wheat tortilla wrap, put cheese, fresh ham and the eggs on it and poof, I have a healthy version of what McDonalds attempts to do, only mine was healthy and tasted amazing and didn’t drip grease on my legs with every bite.  But it was a breakfast dinner so what is breakfast without biscuits.  I could have made one thing of them.   But I lied to myself and said, Jason would want more so I made two things of them.  And I ate 5.  I will be kicking myself in my fat ass for the rest of… well til I go to bed and wake up to a new day.  But I never went to bed so I am still kicking myself.  Don’t worry, my ass has plenty of padding so I can barely feel it.  So maybe I will just not buy the biscuits anymore.  Or maybe I will only buy one thing at a time so with Jason eating some, I can not have them all.  So tell me, how do I find my weigh back to 219lbs?  I will not have the money til next month, which is not far away, but I guess I should call that health store with diet pills in Jmall.  I guess that is still in Jmall… Anyways the store is called GNC and I guess it is kinda like Sally’s.  Sally’s employees know a lot about beauty stuff and hair and GNC should know what to put me on. I need suggestions people.

 

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This entry was posted on January 20, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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