This shit is real and really crazy

The day I weighed 19lbs

At some point in the first 5-ish months of 2008, I got on the scales.  They only went to 300lbs so when I got on them, it said I weighed 19lbs.  I was horrified.  I had not gotten on them in a long time.  My marriage was not good, and I could not stop binge eating.  But right then, I knew I had to change the way I ate or I would be dead in a matter of years.  I was scared and upset and I turned to my mom.  I started eating at normal times.  I still did not eat healthy, but I did not binge.  The weight came off fast.  I was losing several pounds a week.  Eventually I had lost about 60 pounds and I started experiencing severe pains when I would eat.  I went to the hospital a few times, but timing was never right.  It was a Sunday, so they could not do an ultra sound.  Stupid excuses like that.  Christmas came and this horrible pain that would come and go, that lasted for hours was still there.  I figured out it was food doing it.  So whenever it happened, I would make sure I never ate that again, whatever that was.  My mom wanted to take her sister out for a movie for a Christmas gift and so we got in the car and went.  On the way to the movie the pain started.  By the time we got there, it was horrible.  So they very kindly gave up their movie and we all went to the ER.  Luckily this Dr made no excuses.  He did blood work, said he knew what the blood work would say.  Things were off on the blood work that lead to him knowing it was my gall bladder.  If only I had had this Dr months and months ago.  I would not have suffered for so long.  So he scheduled my ultra sound just so he could see how many stones I had, how bad things were and soon I was getting scheduled for surgery.  If you have ever had a baby, then you know how much pain I was in.  The surgeon said that the only thing that compares to gall bladder attacks is labor.  He did my surgery a bit later and so it was done.  He said I would know very quickly when I ate that going to the bathroom would be different, it would not be something I had much control over so when I needed to go, I was to go immediately.  Boy was he right.  This is supposed to last for less than two months, unless you are part of this small percentage.  I was part of that.  It lasted well over a year.  It did not matter what I ate, so I began a habit of eating anything and everything I wanted.  The weight poured off of me due to getting sick every time.  I found it horrible that by losing that first 60 lbs was the cause of  my gall bladder going bad.  The Dr said this is totally normal.  But at least I was not in pain.  I had to know where the bathroom was every where I went.  But to me it was worth it 95% of the time cause I could eat a salad and get sick, or I could eat Papa John’s and get equally sick and I could still lose weight.  Like I said, this lasted well over a year.  But then I began to start being normal so the diet had to be enforced.  I could not eat what I wanted, and not going on a binge was no longer the cure.  So right about that time, my Mom had begun weight watchers and even though I could not afford to sign up and go to meetings, I had her as my teacher.  I began measuring things out and following rules.  I had never counted each and every pretzel or baked chip, or how many peas I had on my plate, but that is what I was doing.  Weight began to come off again.  And this lasted til I got put on my meds for being bipolar.  At first all I did was sleep… A lot.  And then more sleep.  But very soon it took hold of my metabolism and soon the weight began to pack back on.  This leads us to today.  I am no longer 319lbs, but I am also no longer 219lbs that I was at before the meds.  BUT… as of today I have lost 3 pounds.  I have to be very strict.  I have to put off eating breakfast as long as possible and when I eat that breakfast it can not be 3 bowls of cereal, it has to be one, or oatmeal, or graham crackers dipped in unsweetened apple sauce.  I also enjoy fruit dipped in light cool whip.  Kinda makes you feel like you are eating pie.  So, even though fasting horrifies my friend Nathanial, and my psychiatrist, it obviously works for me.  So this is going to become my life.  And by fasting, I really just mean prolonging when I will eat.  My ex-husband reminds me every time I say I am fasting that fasting lasts for days, not hours.  So whatever you want to call it, that is what I am doing and plan to keep doing.  Honestly, for me, eating kinda opens flood gates.  So if I put off eating for a few hours when I wake up, it helps keeps my need to binge at bay.  This morning, well this afternoon for breakfast I had oatmeal.  I am drinking lots of water as well.  I did not add butter to it, or even milk… but the lack of milk was due to the fact I am out.  I used to dip lots of bread in to my oatmeal, that is no longer what I do.  I got out my loaf of diet bread and then I thought, nope.  I can do without and still enjoy it so forget the bread.  Part of my reasoning to eat bread with it was because soon my bread will go bad.  But the reality is that it is better to throw away the last few slices of bread than to eat it when you do not want it, or need it, just because it may go bad.  So rather it goes green tomorrow, or several days from now, I saved 70 calories at least cause each slice is 35 calories and I was not going to just eat one slice.  So, today is going well.  I plan to make sandwiches for dinner.  I am blessed with a boyfriend that is grateful for something that simple.  I am having him pick up lettuce so I can have that on my sandwich.  I will be eating ham and turkey on it and the lettuce and cheese on the diet bread.  I know that seems like a lot, but it will most likely be all I eat for the rest of the day because a nice sandwich really does fill me up if I am being honest with myself.  My desire to have two sandwiches, or a bunch of Doritos is absurd.  I mean maybe I will have a few baked chips, but hardly any.  I think I will cook a can of vegetables as well.  I also do not add anything to those.  No salt, no butter, no nothing.  Even when I eat a baked potato, I simply put a little ketchup on it.  I mean sure, I love me some stuffed baked potatoes, but I do not need it.  I do have some fresh broccoli in the fridge.  Maybe I will try out my new steamer than my friend Derek got me.  I bet I would be very very full with some fresh broccoli and a sandwich.  Well I guess I better go set things up.  I am not sure how long it takes to steam it, but I know it takes a while.  Today is a good day. 

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This entry was posted on January 21, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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