This shit is real and really crazy
Ok, so feeling the impending doom of maybe all those crazy Bible thumpers being right and believing I am going to hell.
Ok, so I go to hell. Anyone been to hell and come back so you can tell me what exactly it is like? Maybe I would finally fit in for once. Maybe I could have a nice little clique where I was really popular.
Most the time I tell myself God loves me cause he is the One that made me…. but maybe I am wrong. Maybe God had the flu when he made me and He can’t really figure out where He went wrong. Or maybe He had a bad day and needed someone to fuck with so out popped me from my mom’s vag. Why do I get on here? Why do I get on dating sites, but don’t date anyone from them? Because it is a good way to find people that think somewhat like me. Sometimes I Just want to talk to someone that knows the darkness I know. I want to know someone that cuts, instead of 50 people who get mad when I cut. I want someone to go on a walk with me at 4 in the morning and listen to me rant about some asshole that pissed me off a few hours before. I want to take more than I give, just once in a while. I work my ass off to try and be there for people and they just can’t seem to give me the same in return. I am running out of pieces of myself to give away. But I just can not stop. One day there will be nothing left of me but skin and bones. I am sure someone will take that too.
This is probably what my soul looks like. But still, if you need me, please call me. I will do everything I can to help you. And you… You? Well you can just say thanks. Does anyone else feel that way? I like to think my ability to unconditionally love people is a great quality. One that I got from my mom. But in reality she got shit on her entire life and still does because no one loves her back as much as she loves them. I am the same way. Now not everyone, I like, or love people and that is the end of that. But there are people I would die for. I would starve so that I could give them food. Problem is no one gives me that in return.
So fuck it. Maybe my family is right. Maybe having sex when you are not married does send you to hell. The whole bi-sexual shit might send me there anyways. My exhusband is an athiest and I would hate to never see him again. I had a favorite cousin when I was younger and he killed himself. According to the Bible, anyone that kills themselves goes to hell. He believed in God, he believed that Jesus died for his sins. But that did not take away the pain that living caused him. So which is it? The Bible says God will not give us more than we can handle, it says that suicide sends you to hell. It says that sex before marriage will send you to hell. So rather or not I slept with 100 people or 1, I had it before I got married so if I am going to hell, why hold back? I mean really… If my cousin and my ex-husband are to be in hell forever, maybe I do not want to avoid it. Maybe if i went there, people would like me and stop judging me. Maybe I would fit in.
Cause let me tell you, I do NOT fit in with the Bible thumpers. I do not fit in with hardly any of my family. You know, I really like tattoos and piercings. People tell me that I will go to hell for mine… So maybe if I go to hell I will meet a guy who will love me forever. My ex hates me tattoos. He just is not that type. And I want more and more and more. I love it. I have art on my body. I am not doing it for attention like certain people I am related to, think. I do it for myself. No one but myself.
I am pretty sure that anyone that has gotten a tattoo that has anything to do with me, would probably rather peel off their skin to rid themselves of their permanent reminder of me. People generally want to rid themselves of me so it is kinda a given. And what about piercings. And what about people that were in tribes and never heard of God and they had tattoos and all kinds of body modifications. Is that wrong? I am part Cherokee. So are my ancestors of my ancestors in hell? Maybe in hell, I will fit in lol.
Maybe in Hell I will finally be a popular girl. I could, like, be Satan’s home girl. Not like I want to go to hell, it’s just so many things I have done and will continue doing will, according to some…. too MANY people, I am going to hell. So, if I am going to hell, I better at least have fun on the way.
Popular for being who you are sounds pretty fun. God knows being who I am does not make people popular while I am alive.
I have, well I had a cousin that was surrounded by my family when she died. But she was in an induced coma so she had no idea we were all there breaking in to a million pieces over losing her. At her funeral, the entire church was filled. At the funeral home, they had to let us use two rooms to fit everyone in. If I die today, would people that care about me fill two rooms? Would an entire church be full of people sobbing over me? I highly doubt it. I think my mom would never recover. But the rest of them would be sad a few days and then I will just be a thought from the past. This lasts a day or so.
When I die, I hope they play, Get Stoned by Hinder at my funeral. I fucking love that song. I hope they dress me in black clothes with black and white striped socks. I won’t worry about shoes cause half the time they do not bother to put shoes on you. Hmmm… maybe a song by Rob Zombie would be a nice touch too. Everyone would all be talking about how I am in a better place when in reality they had condemned me to hell for years. Family would come out of the wood works. Where the fuck are those people right now? Funerals are not for the deceased. Funerals are for the people who knew you so they can cry and say goodbye and tell themselves lies to feel better about themselves. I would be mentioned on holidays. The black sheep of the family would be gone and they could all unite as some religious baptist family and take on all the sinners.
This is what my family would be like if they were not so caught up with themselves…
Oh and this is wrong too of course…
And let’s not forget this one either… this is very very bad.
Dude… this is fucked up…
So yeah this whole fucking post is random as fucking hell. But i am manic. I had a bad night. Now i feel numb. I feel numb and vulnerable. But like I said a million times in my blogs, I am fucking crazy. I am a lifer here people. I am not really being crazy at this point, Crazy is being Cassandra.
I plan to get more tattoos. I plan to get more piercings. I plan to wear black a lot. I do not plan on going to church on a regular basis ever again. I like to drink and I like to fuck. I like porn. Really fucked up porn too. I like humiliation hentai. I like hentai in general. I have a really huge head. My ass and tits are as big as my big ass head. My heart beats so damn fast I freak out Dr’s. My hands shake all the time. I have to swallow pills all day just so it is not worse than it already is. I black out. I panic over everything. I can not work due to not handling the pressure. I slice up my leg as often as I see fit. My hair falls out from stress sometimes. I want kids more than anything, but I also think that might be the most selfish thing I will ever do because A. I am fucked up and might not be the best mother all the time, and B. I will pass my crazy on to my kids. I pretty much hate everyone else’s kids.
I am crazy as fuck over a guy I am seeing and it is making me insane. Not like that was hard, seeing as how I am already insane. I feel like I am on a tight rope trying to walk across some huge gap in the earth with no safety net. You know how you see people at a state fair… there is a rope latter and if you can go from the bottom to the top without falling off, you get a prize? Well I have never seen anyone win that damn thing. Everyone falls off before they even get to the middle cause the latter flips over.
But you see that pic, look under it… When he falls, he is gonna land on that air bag. I feel like i am on one of those ladders, only it is 50 feet long and there is not safety air bag. There is just a damn dark whole… like the one in 300. I feel like life is trying to kick me in to the damn hole that seems to lead to the end of the earth
Can I make a request? If someone has to kick me in to that hole? How about, not kicking me in to the hole? Hello? You there, life? Can you just take a break in kicking my ass and let me relax for a few minutes? Why does everything that matters to me have to be terrifying to me? And why do I have to want something so bad I can barely breath without it only to find out that that thing can not only breathe without me, but it can run a damn marathon without me.
Oh and this has returned again
That’s right people. Dead face hath returneth. People are pointing it out again. Dead face is usually a sign of me blacking out, or being extremely uncomfortable. It is me shutting down for moments. It is something i can not control. It seems to freak people out.
This is my brain when I black out……………………
And whatever happened during those times, I never never ever get the memory back. I barely remember my wedding. I went to see a movie with Chris a few years ago and I have no memory of seeing it. I thought he was lying when he said we went and saw it. But a month later I was cleaning and found the ticket stubs… yeah that’s right. Ticket stubs, as in plural. I have no memory of even getting in the car to go, never mind seeing the movie. Still can not bring myself to watch it. If I watch it and do not remember one single second of it, I am gonna feel like I am more fucked up than I already know I am lol.
Sometimes I feel like I have the plague. That if I am in peoples lives, they will catch what I got. You won’t look like this if you spend time with me. I do not have the plague. I swear, it’s just a birth mark.