This shit is real and really crazy
This is my home. This is my friend. This is my solace. This is the only thing I can count on to be there for me no matter what. This is the one thing that will be by my side when I die. This will never leave me. This is what I love. Pain is the love of my life.
My mom told me a few years ago that if I killed myself, she would kill herself. That is why I am still breathing. I am all fun and games when I am talking about sex and making life all fun. But really, one on one and I am a fucking mess. I am low right now. The only thing that kept me from slitting my wrists was my mom and a few lines from the blade across my leg. I am feeling low with that buzz you get from cutting.
I could write an entire book on how good cutting makes you feel. Movies and tv shows make it out to be this horrible thing. Not me. For me it is amazing. For me, it gives me this high. I might as well do drugs with the high it gives me. And the scars, well I do not look at my leg and think I need to get a job so I can have plastic surgery. Those scars make me feel better. I run my fingers across them and I know that every line kept me going. Made the pain go away.
Those scars are braille on my body telling stories of pain and the desire to force myself to not give up. Everyone thinks cutting is all about suicide. Horse shit. It has nothing to do with it. I so not cut 1 centimeter to 2 inch cuts on my leg in hopes that it will kill me. Fuck people, I do it to feel better.
I am a control freak with no control over my own life. I can’t get pregnant cause my fucking womanhood is shit. I can not get this mother fucking weight off because I can’t stop fucking up my diet. I have no control over how manic I get, be it high or be it low. I can not stop the shaking. I can not do anything I want to do. The rare moments where I think for 5 minutes my life is in control, God says, uh… no… you are a horrible person and I guess I have to keep reminding you of this since you seem to be thick headed. Here, let’s give her a man that is not satisfied with you, sexually. Oh and next, let’s give you a guy who doesn’t want to fuck you at all. Oh, yeah, you like that scale saying _____ well let’s throw 8 lbs at you. Oh, you want to look nice, let’s have your mom constantly remind you that, “You look so pretty with makeup on” and if that is not bad enough, let’s let you hate yourself so bad physical contact from people causes you actual pain. Let’s give you A.D.D. and black outs and a whole fuck ton of shit like that and worse. Oh, yeah? Yeah?? You think you are happy? You think you feel good right now? Ok, well let’s have someone else that is in your life that you need to survive fucking walk out on you. Oh, you think Tara and Ash love you as much as you love them? Really… watch this. BOOM you have no friends. BOOM everyone leaves. BOOM let’s make you bi-sexual in a family that can never know if you want to be in the same room as them. Oh yeah, she took anti-biotics and accidentally got pregnant… oh and look, she had a girl. HAHAHAHAHA you can’t get knocked up on purpose. Let’s let everyone around you have babies and you can buy another pet. Oh, the pets make you feel better? Well why don’t we have one of them piss and shit all over the house. Yeah, there you go, Cassandra. You are not allowed to be happy. You should have stayed in church.