This shit is real and really crazy
As some of you who have read this, you know that my lack of sex over the past 2-ish years has finally come to an end. I was briefly single, and now I am not. Seeing an old flame. But the old flame is not the topic at hand. The topic at hand is Nathanial.
Nathanial is one of the most important friends I have. Right up there at the top of the list. During my relationship that has just recently ended, no matter how awful I looked when he saw me, no matter how many times I cried on his shoulder (literally) and no matter how insane I was and moody and just a crazy-ass-bitch, he always swore to me that I was not to blame, because according to him, crazy or not, fat or not, tears and hairy legs to boot, I was attract, even dare I say, sexy.
I am a very sexual person. I am also a product of extreme religious graduate and a very … prudish upbringing I guess you could say. When I date this new flame I speak of, at the end of that relationship, he would not touch me, wouldn’t even kiss me. Then I met my now ex-husband and he at the end would not touch me either (aside from a drunken almost violent fuck that I do not care to ever repeat with anyone) and then I had a FWB and he stopped wanting to touch me as well. Then I snag me a guy who I had been trying to date for over a year. Now I know you think what I am about to say, he stopped touching me at the end. Well, yes and no.
Getting him to sleep with me in general from day 1 to the end was hard to get him to do. The last 6 months, there was no sex at all. I of course blamed myself. I mean, how could it not be my fault? It happened in every relationship I had ever had. What was the common denominator? Me.
I felt hideous and rejected and I was miserable and my self esteem and self hate had reached an all time extreme. I hope to never feel this way again. In fact, fuck that, I am never gonna feel that again cause I am not gonna stick around for 6 months of not being touched.
But during that whole time, there was one person that never stopped. He saw me in cute clothes and makeup at parties, he saw me at parties with my hair up in a blob and no makeup because at that point I had stopped trying. He saw my in my beloved yoga pants and a tank top and tried to convince me that I didn’t look fat and lazy.
He swore from the day we met til… well that has not changed, that I am beautiful, and attractive. Sexy too.
No more men running away from me in circles with their dicks between their legs. Fear of hurting someones feelings should not lead to a life where you are lonely and sad and self-hating and not wanted and desired. If you do not want to fuck me, well lets call it a day, and call it a friendship and be done with it, cause that’s all it seems to have ever been.
Thank you Nathanial for always reminding me that someone wanted to fuck me.