This shit is real and really crazy
Ok, so this is how it is peeps. Lots of people throw away what they have in any aspects of the meaning of what they have. Now I am not saying you should stick around for the shit til you can’t see the light of day. But my God, people. You can’t just quit everyone and everything.
The grass is always greener on the other side… Maybe not. It’s just fucking grass people. Look at your neighbor’s grass. Is it green? Look at your mom’s grass. Is it green? See, it is all greener. The color doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. You have to work with what you have.
This can apply to significant others. It can apply to lots of things, jobs, money, hair cuts, clothes… pretty much anything that you don’t have but you think you want.
Now I know what you are thinking. Waaah waah wah. One more post about a someone not making this person happy. Piss piss and piss and moan. Nope. This is not a post about my man, or men in the past. Nope, this is about me.
For those of you who have been reading my blog from the beginning, well you rock and I should probably say sorry for one thing or another. But this is about me, like I said.
This is about my past. When I was a little girl I got voted most athletic. This was kindergarten. Why? Cause I was in shape, that’s why. Duh. I was not a fat child or even chubby. I know lots of people who were over weight their entire lives. Hell, I was married to one. Is he 500 pounds now? Nope. Not even close. I could not get a pair of his pants on most likely.
Ok, so back to me. I was beautiful. I was fit to the point I had little ab muscles. I was able to run and run. I was blonde and I do not mean dirty blonde. I mean I had the hair women desire now and have to use bleach to get. I had beautiful blue eyes. I did however have a grandmother that would point out how big my ass was on a regular basis. She would have me stand in front of a mirror and turn to my side so that I could see how much shorter my dress was in the back than in the front. For years of my life, she would say to me, “Why can’t you grow up, instead of out. Everything on you is too big.” and I totally believed her. I hated my body from that moment on.
I look back at pics of me when I was with my family and I was in tiny bikini’s and I had a tan and I was beautiful. Why didn’t I know that then? Why did I listen to anyone who said otherwise?
But is that where this ends? Fuck no. You must have a nice perfect life if you think it ends there. I eventually became a teen and that is when I started gaining weight. Before then, I had a champs metabolism. I ate non-stop. I could eat til I puked, literally. I did this ofter on vacations with my dad. Never with my mom. But that is cause dad had all the expensive snacks. I still can not eat doritos and drink big red at the same time.
But still, in 5th and 6th grade, I was just a bit chubby. But somewhere along the way I just began not only hating my body, but hating myself even more. I was very unpopular. I got picked on relentlessly but kids in my class. I hated my life and my body and myself and I wanted to die. But I didn’t die. I ate.
Eventually I went to a school called TRUTH. It was a small tiny small Christian school. I healed there til of course, with my luck it closed due to lack of profits. I had a couple of friends. They were all very beautiful. Kim and Lindsey were my best friends. Kim was tall and thing. Lindsey was short and a tiny bit chubby the first year. But then summer came and went and when she showed up for school the first day of class, no one recognized her but Kim. She even fulled the teachers. She was gorgeous. It was so amazing my jaw dropped.
Over the summer, she had gotten taller and she lost all the little bit of weight she needed to and grew her hair out and she knew every thing there was to know about makeup. She was so beautiful.
So she tried to help me with my diet. She tried to teach me how to work out and eat and how to do my hair and make up. She talked me in to getting a new hair cut. It was great. I had someone to diet with. She went to my next school too and she continued teaching me in the ways of cool. But I felt ugly and fat the entire time. I was bigger than her and Kim and some girl named Angel. I felt like I was being left behind. Boys noticed them, they had all been kissed and probably a lot more. I wanted to be them so bad.
I look back on pics of myself from then. I thought I was so huge and ugly. I thought I was the biggest girl in the world. Now when I look at those pics, I see a pretty girl with a tad bit of weight to lose. If I had known back then, maybe I could have maintained that weight. At my height now, I would be lookin hot. But I just could not see it then.
Today I have been going through FB pics and I saw one of me and my sister when my Aunt Cindy got married. I still have the outfit I was wearing that day in a box so that if I ever get to that size again I can wear it again. I look at that pic and I do not know why I hated myself so much. I thought I was a cow. No guy noticed me, not ever. I was single and to be honest, I was too scared to let someone see me (my fat body) naked that a big part of me did not care that guys didn’t noticed me. But I had friends that got noticed, and I had a sister that got noticed and that bothered me endlessly. But when I see that pic of me next to Abby at the wedding reception… I did not look bad. Why couldn’t I see it then?
My weight has been a constant battle my entire life basically. I got up to 319lbs and most people never knew because for a while there, I never left the house. My marriage was ending and I ate my misery away. But when I hit the highest, my scales did not go past 300lbs so when I looked down, it said I weight 19lbs. I knew then I had to change. At first, losing weight was easy. I was so fat that cutting back just a little made my body respond.
After that, I got my gal bladder removed. which by the way, went bad due to a sudden weight loss. Thanks mother nature for kicking me while I am down as usual. Well what was supposed to be a simple procedure that would be over and within 2-3 weeks, I would never know the difference ended up being a couple years of being sick every time I put food in my mouth. Now now, don’t get judgy. I did eat a lot of junk but it didn’t matter. It did not matter if I ate a whole pizza or crackers. I got sick. By sick I do not mean throw up. Use your imagination. I could not go on walks, I barely survived trips to the mall. I was sick at least 20 times a day. So as you can imagine, losing weight was for once EASY. But easy never lasts in my life.
Once my body stopped rejecting food, I got back to normal for the most part. Only now dieting was all I could think about. It was my only option. I had to do it. I tried everything. I told my then husband to tell me when I was eating too much. Have you ever tried to take candy from a baby? Well there is a reason that is a popular saying. And fat girls are the same. So I would bitch him out until one day he just said, “Fuck you. You asked me to help you and every time I do, you scream at me. Fuck it.” and I do not blame him at all.
I thought him nicely suggesting to me not to eat would be a good thing. But it didn’t. it made me eat more. Because every time he said something I would get mad, we would fight and I would cry and turn to chips and fries and pizza. So yeah, was the opposite of helping me. Not his fault. I went in to defense mode.
But I started gaining some of the weight back. My step mom and sister were doing weight watchers. My sister kept telling me to try it. So finally, I broke and did.
For a while there, it was working great. I was losing weight at a decent speed and I loved it. My sister kept buying me tops and that kept me motivated. Hopping on to the scales became a daily ritual. By ritual I mean I did it like 30 times a day. OCD kicked in and it became a tick. But then I was diagnosed as being bipolar.
Yeah, that was the end of the weight watchers cure. I was doing everything I could points wise, but those damn pills killed it. Not only did my hunger increase, but it also increased my appetite. May of 2012 I had hit my 100lbs mark. I had lost 100lbs. Try to imagine that. I had lost a teenager. Right as that was happening, my meds got changed. Soon it all fell apart.
I continued doing weight watchers but it did not work at all anymore. I tried so hard. But I was so hungry. I could not get enough. But in a lot of ways I felt so much better so I did not ask my Dr to change my meds. But finally everyone around me pushed me to try a new medication.
That was a few… several months ago. And I guess it is better now. Who the fuck knows because I had lost all control over my diet due to giving up while taking those pills. My habit was broken.
For a while I was trying hard, I was working out with a girl named Tara. But she decided she liked being fat so she bailed. Yet every time she got ready to go anywhere, she changed over and over cause “this makes me look fat”. Then Chris, my ex-husband put me on a work out routine. That would have been great if I had eaten well to go along with it. But I didn’t. He would work me so damn hard it was hard to move the next morning. But somewhere along the way, I quite that too. Story of my life I suppose
May of 2012 I weighed 219lbs. That was my 100lb marker. Today (9/15/13) I weigh in at 259.7lbs. Obviously I am not proud of this. I am writing this to reach out to hopefully help people and also hopefully find people that can help me, or at least encourage me.
So today is tomorrow. Today is my start of getting back on my diet. I am writing down everything I eat. So far all I have had is one bowl of raisin bran crunch (with water cause we were out of milk). Now I have to admit, technically I had other things today. But that is cause I have not gone to bed. But I am starting with the coming of this beautiful cool morning.
If I write it down, I have to look at all my fuck ups. I know this which is why I stopped doing it months ago. So I have 40olbs to lose to get back to my hundred pound marker. God that seems like a lot. But I have done it before, so I guess I can do it again.
The problem is I am doing alone. I had a support system before. But that bridge has been crossed and now it is just me.
So, there you go. The grass is not always greener. In fact, it rarely is. Work with what you have or one day you will look back and see that you lost all of it. Those pics of you that you find beautiful, well they ARE pics of YOU. I got to get on my diet again… Now, or one day I am gonna look back at pics of me at this weight and think I was beautiful and wonder why I let it all get worse. I could go back to 319lbs or even higher if I let it happen. So today, it ends.
It will be so hard right now because I am piss poor and I need money to buy healthy food. Not sure what I will do about all that. If I go out to eat with my man, I guess I will have to pussy up and order something healthy. It is not his fault as to what I get and then feel bad later. It is me. I have to make a good decision.
So please wish me luck. I need it.
I am also making more effort with my appearance. I do not live in my yoga pants. I wash my hair and body all the time. I shave all the time now. I use perfume again. And you know what? My boyfriend notices. And not just him. People in general are complimenting my outfits and such. It is very rewarding. So I think I will try my hardest to keep it up.
I am so scared I will fail. And a part of me is scared I will succeed. I have not been skinny since I was in 3rd-4th grade. I am 31 years old now. I am scared that I will still hate my body when I make goal weight. I am scared. Can’t really explain why. I just am. I am scared of doing all alone. I had done it with my mom but she quit a long time ago.
So here goes. I have not been writing about my diet because I have not been on one. Today is tomorrow. Today I start my diet. Today I succeed. Today, I decide I want more compliments. Today I decide that I will get back in to that skirt… or all of the other cloths I have in boxes waiting for me to lose enough weight to wear them. Today is the day I.
I can not blame anyone but myself. I have the choice. I can say no to anything if I decide to. I may never be able to decide I am no longer crazy. But I can decide to put that donut in the trash. This is of course metaphorically because we all know I will eat a donut before it gets thrown away. So today is the day I decide to never have a donut in the house to have to make myself throw it away. I have also given up soda.
I just spent the last few dollars I have on diet pills and caffeine pills. One of my biggest issues is that I can not make myself get out of the damn bed. I either don’t sleep at all or i sleep so long people think I died. I usually turn to redbulls or a frappe with extra caramel. But we all know those are mostly sugar. So, I will try the caffeine pills. I used to take them when I was dating Chris. He stayed up all night so I did too and then I had to get up 3 hours later and go to work. Yes yes, I know… once upon a time I had a job. Ha ha. Funny funny.
So I can not lose weight and drink all that shit. I hate coffee and in order to make myself swallow it, it has to be drowned in sugar and vanilla. I wish I was lucky enough to like it black, but I am not.
I will have to buy me some bottles to keep cold water in. I will have to start steaming veggies again. I will also be fasting. Chris says it is not fasting unless you are doing it for a whole day. Well, if that is true, than I guess I am not fasting. What I will be doing is, I will be waiting long periods of time before eating and when I do eat, I will only be eating proper or small proportions. I will only eat when I am actually hungry and even then, I may wait another hour. That is what works best for me.
I tried the whole small meal every four hours. That did not work for me at all. That caused me to be eating when I was not hungry and a lot of time when I actually was hungry, I could not eat for two more hours. So fuck that shit.
I am doing the Cassandra diet. I am doing what works for me. Maybe in time, I will look at an old pic of me and instead of saying I looked so good there, wish I could go back to that weight, maybe, just maybe I will look back on pics of me over the last few years and say to myself, damn I am so glad I don’t look like that anymore.