This shit is real and really crazy

The little things are bigger than the big things…… Please stop telling me you love me

I do not know if anyone feels like me, but I am guessing my female readers will at least get where I am coming from.  Why do relationships have to be so one sided.  Or maybe it is just me.  I give and give and give and just do not get that in return.  Doesn’t matter if it is your partner, or your lover, your family member, your “best” friend.  I used to believe in best friends, that friendship where that person would love me as much as I love him or her.  I just don’t anymore.  Now I honestly and truly believe it is a matter of time before they walk out of my life without notice.  Maybe friendships should be like a job, they should have to give me a 2 week notice and even better than that, they should train their replacement so I do not have to spend years trying to rebuild the years of friendship that just ended. 

I wonder a lot what it would be like if I were with a woman.  Would a woman understand that the little things are WAY bigger than the big things?  Would she realize that every time I got in the car and drove to see her, it was effort because leaving my house is hard most days.  Would she know that holding my hand in the dark is not the same as holding my hand when the light is on?  Would she know that every time I look at her, smell her or feel her touch me, I desperately want to be kissed because of it? 

I keep seeing all these cutesy facebook posts about love and about friendships… Who the fuck writes that shit?  People who have seen too many fucking movies and WB shows, that’s who.  Life is not a hallmark card.  That is half the reason I do not buy them very often for people…. I love the show Full House because at the end of every episode everyone is happy and all is back to perfectness.  But that is not how life is.  Every tiny thing you do affects every tiny thing you do after.  Everything that is done to you affects your every breath there after.  It makes us who we are.  We do not know we are capable of loving someone even after they rip your heart out until it happens. 

When my cousins Brandy was alive, she was in love with Tim.  All he did was fuck her and treat her like shit.  She did everything for him, paid his bills, bought him gifts, cooked for him.  But he always went home to someone else.  I hated it and I would bitch at her over it all the time.  One afternoon/evening when I was cleaning her car our for her, she looked at me and said, “One day you will fall in love and you will find out when you love someone, you will take every beating they offer.” to which I said, if that is love, then I hope I never fall in love. 

Boy was she right.  When you love someone, you take a beating over and over.  Doesn’t matter what type of love it is, it could be with a man or woman as a romantic relationship, it could be family or the mythical best friend.  Well at least that is how it is for me, and how it was for her.  I am not sure it is like that for everyone.  Because I make it a goal to not be the one giving the beatings…

When I love someone, I want to shout it to the roof tops.  But why is my shouting always a solo performance?  I love someone and I want to hold on to them so tight they have Cassie marks all over them lol.  I used to have best friends.  Tara and Ashley.  We were friends for so so long.  More than ten years.  And then suddenly it was gone.  Just like that.  Years of promises of love gone in one quick moment.  I still check their Facebook profiles once in a while.  Just to see what they look like.  I know it is stupid.  I know they are never gonna come running back and tell me they miss me as much as I miss them.  I know they are not damaged and jaded by our parted ways as much as I am.  But I just can’t stop. 

The one friend I do have that I have been friends with for a very very long time, she barely has time for me.  I wish I could spend a lot more time with her.  But she is just busy.  She works and is very involved with her church. 

I have 146 friends on Facebook.  20 of them are related to me.  So that leaves 126 “friends” and most of them would not respond to a status if I posted – I am done living.  I am ending it tonight.  No, most of them probably would never see the post because I do not think they even read it… that includes most of the 20 family members.  God knows if I do decided to off myself, I am gonna post it.  Finally get to get back at all the stupid fucking dramatic posts people put on there.  Oh and I think I will email Ashley and Tara and let them know while I was dying, I was wishing I had never met them. 

I wish I had never met them.  Never get too attached as they say and boy was I attached.  I would have taken a bullet for them, and I am dead serious.  I would do that for anyone I love.  I would do anything I possibly could for people I love.  I would die for them, clean for them, risk a fight for them, cook for them, baby sit their pets or their kids for them.  But I guess that is just not enough.  They all seem to walk away as if I never existed.  Why am I the one crying?  Why am I the one going through photos and yearbooks and tracking them down on Facebook only to hear, “Oh yeah…. I think I remember you….”.

Facebook should add a new feature (besides the dislike button that everyone wants them to add) called face the past.  Click on the FTP (face the past, keep up people) button.  And when anyone clicked on that button on your profile, it would link you to everyone you have been friends with on FB in the past.  And each person would have a description as to why they are no longer on your friends list.  God… Now that I am thinking about it, maybe not because then everyone clicked my button you could see how many people just dumped my fat ass.  That is kinda depressing.

I am dating a guy that pretty much everyone I know has a disliking for… he gave them good reasons to be honest.  So, why bother?  Why give him a second chance?  Because I love him.  I like him.  I want him.  I need him.  I everything him.  But he won’t shout it on the roof tops.  facebook-official
So… yeah…  He made the big gesture though…. he looked me up on Facebook.  Not that I have not looked him up a million times, just like Tara and Ashley…. But he contacted me.  And the rest was history.  But history loves to repeat itself…. which is probably good for kids in school because there is too much to remember anyways. 

Oh and let’s not forget “New” Tara.  Now there is someone I did not see coming.  I do not know why, I just latched on to her so fucking hard and tight that I probably left bruises on her… but apparently I did not succeed in leaving permanent Cassie marks on her.  I just discovered two days ago or so that she unfriended me on Facebook.  WTF??!!  I did nothing.  Oh well I did tag her in posts and text her about missing her and wanting to hang out and eventually the replies just stopped all together.  Then out on nowhere she deletes me.  Just like that, I am just nothing to her.  I thought she was the new and improved Tara but she is just another Tara.  Just another bitch to ditch.

I want a forever friend.  Why is that so hard?  When I was a kid I had kids in various places, school, my neighborhood, my mamaw’s neighborhood, my dads neighborhood (briefly but they existed), church…. Now I am 31 and most of them say, “Oh yeah… I think I might maybe remember you….”. 

The other night my sister was here and within a half hour I had like 20 new songs to obsess over.  Do you know how long it has been since I had new music?  A fuck long time.  When I had friends, I had new music all the time.  I had someone to see movies with, and concerts and go shopping with.  I had someone to stay up all night with and talk and giggle all night.  Why does being 31 mean having no friends?  I love my sister and she has amazing taste in just about everything so all of that is fun to the top with her.  But… she has a life.  I need more people in my life. 

So… the question is, are true friends a myth?  Or is it just me?  I mean… they are all leaving me.  And I have to point out that Tara and Ashley are still friends on facebook.  They are still friends, just not friends with me.  How many coincidences can there be til I need to accept that it is just me?  My sister has the same luck with friends.  Maybe it is just our shitty DNA that repels people we love.  Let’s see… we both have migraines, the crazy, crooked toes, curly hair and a whole lot of ex-friends that have walked out with a skip in their steps.  

I hate to be one, and I hate to admit it, but I am a fucking doormat. 

Once upon a time I was 21 and a virgin and had never dated anyone.  I was very content that way.  I had a plan.  I was going to get artificially inseminated and I would get this house when my Mom died and I would be a single mom like her.  But like anyone else, hormones got the best of me.  All I know is before that year, I was perfectly fine being single, I had friends who swore they would love me forever and I had a job, and I was not this fat, and I was just ….. I don’t know.  I was not in a million pieces back then.  Yeah I was crazy, but not this fucked up.  I had Brandy still.  I had everything.  I wish I knew then that it was not gonna stay that way.  I hated how I looked back then.  I look at pics of me from then. 


I was chubby then, but I did not look bad at all.  That was taken a bit before everything changed.  In that moment, my stepfamily was like family.  I had lots of hair, my life was on track.  I had friends. 

The following pic is the last pic of me, Tara and Ashley


Things were already completely fucked up and ruined by the time this pic was taken.


This is a pic of me in my glory days, I was blonde, tan, blue eyes and had rock abs lol.


This pic is Amanda on the left, but my Brandy on the right.  She had really short hair because she had been fighting cancer for years and this was a point where she was ok and it was growing back in


This is my absolutely favorite pic of me as an adult.


I have not taken pics in a long time.  I used to take them so much it drove people crazy.  I have all my pics in albums.  My photo albums mean more to me than my car.  They are priceless.  But most of the people in them all left. 

The word love has become a very casual word.  People used to make a big deal out of it.  Love meant something.  Now it is just tossed around like an old ball.  People say it right to your face and then the next day they are gone.  Why does this word mean so much more to me than it does to everyone else?  Why do I only say it when I mean it and will back it up?  

So for all of you out there who are in my life now, or will come in to my life in the future…. Please stop telling me you love me, til you think you will want to say it the next day because I am hurting pretty bad here people.  Most days I hold on by a thread.  I either can’t sleep, or I can not get enough sleep.  I just want to wake up one day and be glad I did.  Maybe if I can just manage to do that one more time, maybe I can do it more than once. 

Well I hope whoever actually reads this to the end gets something out of this. This is just how I feel. Like it or not, hugs and kisses bitches!

basic bitches

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This entry was posted on October 11, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , .
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