nosleepandcrazy

This shit is real and really crazy

My 10th birthday, my 10th lover…. Bruises here, bruises there….

When I turned 10, I remember that birthday party very well.  So many details.  But what I remember the most is how my Aunt told me how 10 was such a big deal.  That I would never be a single digit again.  For the rest of my life I would be double digits.  This made me cry.  I felt a loss for my single digit childhood.  And I have never forgotten this all these years.

9 lovers is all I had, had.  I knew number 10 had to be special.  I am sure had it not been such an impact when I turned 10, sleeping with a man, the 10th partner I had taken to bed would have to be special.  I wanted to love him, and he love me.  I waited.  I had many offers.  I had a few beggars even.  But I wanted it to be special so I waited for him.  And it was worth it.

I slept in way too late.  I would hear the alarm go off and I would hit snooze.  I would try to force myself to hold my eyes open, but they just shut and found their sleep they craved so much.  I knew I was letting him down.  He even called and all I could do was silence my phone.  I was so tired.  I just couldn’t hold  my eyes open.  However, the phone call did set my mind off, and thoughts poured in.  The spark that sends you to the walk of the world of awake.  And so it began.  I was waking up.  I was thinking of the day that was planned.

The worst part was that we had not discussed a time.  It was his off day and so I assumed that he would sleep in… maybe even til noon.  I was wrong.  He was up by 9am and waiting for me.  He patiently waited for a long while.  Texts were sent to guilt me in a teasing way to get my ass out of bed.  When I texted him, all he said was, “You are mine today.” and the blood rushed all through me as if this was the most exciting thing I had ever heard.  He then said, “Leaving now.” I tried to stop him, I had to shower and clean the litter box.  I cleaned the box and texted him to let him know I was hopping in the showe, and then a chill came over me when he said, “I am almost there.  Take your time and I will watch.”

I wasn’t ready.  I was so nervous I rushed in to the shower.I had to shave and this is not something I want to be watched.  I had planned for every inch of me to be smooth as silk.  But shaving your lady bits when you are chubby is hard enough without worrying someone will walk in to enjoy the view.  So… that was a no go.  Legs from the knee down and under the arms was all I had time for.  My hair was already clean so I showered fast and flew out.  Then as soon as I came close to my room I heard my phone.  He was here.  I shut my bedroom door and told him the door was unlocked.  I began a hurried search for the panties he bought me for Christmas and a bra to match.  He must have smoked before he came in to my apartment because I had my jeans on too before he knocked on the door.  I tell you now what I told him, I was very surprised he knocked instead of just coming in.  He responded saying, “I’m not that mean.” and I said, “Yes you are.” and that was it.

He waited no longer.  His hands were searching my body before my shirt was straightened.  His hands were gentle yet firm at the same time.  The way he commanded me, and the way his hands commanded my body were in sync.  It wasn’t long before my breath was so quick and heavy I felt faint.  But I was not going to sleep anymore.  I wasn’t going to miss one moment, not one second.  The door was open, so was Chris’s in the next room as he slept.

He had bought me a gift, I knew he had but I had forgotten in the nervous wondering my mind had done.  He had left it in the hall on a table.  And after he played with my body for a while, he went and got them.  Knee high socks.  I told him I was worried they may not fit because I had big legs and he said he knew but not to worry cause all of the ladies in his life had big legs.  I sat down and he put one on my right leg.  It might has well have been the prince putting on my glass slipper because it was just as romantic and it fit like it was made just for me. He suggested I wear really short shorts this summer with them on… that made me chuckle.  And once I took it off, he pounced on me once again.

Anal play is a new favorite for me.  Not new new, but the enjoyment for it is growing and growing and now I just can not get enough and he is not shy with his fingers.  Standing up, legs apart as commanded, and bent over with my arms spread and face on the mattress, he began.  He penetrated me with his finger or thumb, changing it up as he went.  He didn’t forget to play with my wet pussy either.  He didn’t forget anything.

This went on for moments, fast and slow, I couldn’t tell the difference.  I was blind to time.  Then he had me lay on the bed with my legs spread.  That is the point I stopped watching.  I never watch that.  I didn’t count how many times I came.  There was no point.  He nibbled and bit places no one else had every payed any attention to before.  His tongue and fingers seemed to know my body as if he created me for his pleasure.  But the pleasure was all mine.  And then he was done.  I was to get dressed so we could go.  I wanted to lay there to regain composure but he took my hands and pulled me up and I got dressed.

My legs were jello and my mind was mush and I was having to regain composure so we could leave.  I could have easily walked out with only one shoe, or without my purse I was so flustered.  But I managed to get out without forgetting anything.  And off to lunch we went.

Lunch came with a surprise.  His fiance.  I was not expecting that, nor was I mentally prepared for that.  He is poly so no, we were not do anything wrong.  She knew all about me.  And before I knew it, Torrid was where he stopped our aimless path and went in.  She was right there.  Nothing like I expected.  Mr. Hull is a dom… I pictured her as a sub, shy and timid or at least something like me.  Nope, not at all.  She was strong and outspoken.  She gave him hell and the rare moments I could stop looking at my feet from nervousness owning my mind.  His tongue had just been inside me, and now he was hugging her.  I don’t have the words to tell you how strange I felt.  I can not tell you everything.  My brain dissociated and parts of those moments are lost forever.  We went to eat and I can not describe how my every move embarrassed me.  There was some news thing set up in the food court so the woman at the restaurant couldn’t understand me and I was calling what I wanted by the wrong name and no matter how many times I said it, she not only couldn’t quite hear me, but by the look on her face I was definitely saying it wrong.  But finally he came to my rescue and he told her what I wanted.  It was not called a wrap like at Moe’s.

All sense left my head.  I wasn’t paying and I did not know why.  Was this a date?  It was two extremely close friends who like to be naked together at the end of the line… but why was he paying?  I had money.  But he seemed sure of his decision so I just said I wanted water.  The idea of napkins or a straw never entered my mind.  We sat down.  I wanted to sit next to him, but that felt wrong.  They both worked together at the mall and he had already told me, “Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple” so I made sure not to be where his body touched mine.  So I sat next to her.  My food was messy and he had gotten me a fork so I tried to cut it.  Nope.  It was impossible.  Sour cream dripped down my fingers as I ate.  I watched him focus on her as they chatted and I blended in to the background exactly where I wanted to be.  The rare moments I was expected to speak almost came as a shock.

Then it got worse.  I assumed we would walk her back to her store and then leave and go off on our pawn store adventures so that I could buy my tv I had long wanted.  But no, he just plopped his elbow’s on the counter where the register was and they kept talking.  But he insisted I shop.  I had less than $200 to my name and clothes at an expensive store like that was not on the budget.  I walked straight to the clearance rack.  The clearance prices were frightening.  If that was clearance, I want to avoid looking anywhere else, I thought.  Suddenly it dawned on me, I was not the one paying.  He informed me he was going to “spoil me” and I sunk even lower.  I do not know how I managed to look at the clothes because all I wanted to look at was my feet.  He also informed me she would measure me.  I would rather have had a stranger measure me.  I mean it is a baby version to me of going to a gynecologist.  I would never go to someone I knew or would ever know again.  But she did measure me.  I survived.  It was over in less than 5 seconds.  She and I had different opinions on my bra size, she said 44, maybe a 42.  I like to wear a 38, maybe a 40.  I like my bras so tight they make my skin red.  I just have to have it that way so I knew right then, a bra was not on the agenda anymore.

I found this unusual top and a pair of shorts.  I said I would pay for the top.  But then he kept saying to look more.  He pointed at the panties and bra’s.  Said I should maybe look over there.  They both pointed out that they were buy 3, get 2 free.  The prices for the panties were painful to acknowledge.  Double digits for each pair.  I said over and over, “Am I supposed to be picking these out?”.  I mean I knew I was not gonna pay for that.  My panties come from walmart and they are never more than $6.  I mean at Walmart, $6 panties are expensive.  But repeating the question again was not getting him to say, no looking is just looking.  But he did not say that.  He was not the only one who knew I was on the search for a tv either, she did as well.  Then it was check out time.

His fiance got 40% off everything in the store.  But still it rang up to be $94.  I kept saying I had cash.  I had $100 in my wallet and I did not care about the tv anymore. I said more than once I could get it some other time.  They talked back and forth and their faces scream, holy fuck this is too much money, but they would not stop.  They would not take my money.  She kept saying I should just go get my tv.  So they paid for it.  It was her card and I honestly still do not know if she paid or if he paid for my clothes.  I wanted to run fast and hard as she handed me the bag.  The bag was so light for $94 worth of merchandise.  My mind searched for exits.  Searched for hiding places.  I thought if I just sat the bag down and walked out, what would they do?  My mind screamed, “Please leave now.  Please leave with me.  I want to be alone or alone with you.” but no.  That is not what happened.  I can not remember why she walked out with us.  I do not remember anything until the cold breeze hit my face and my mind snapped out of the black out.  My bag was in my hand, Mr.Hull was next to me but at a distance and we were leaving and headed to his car alone.

I could not tell you what expression was on my face, but it obviously was not what he had hoped for when he said he would spoil me.  He said something about it being harder to talk in person than text all that sexy stuff.  And then we were at his apartment and I do not remember getting there or even walking to the door.  I remember the puppy and his disapproval of the dog shit that waited for him.  He seem course now.  I knew it was cause of the dog, I hoped it was cause of the dog but it felt to me all the way to my bone is was aimed at me because of the money that was just spent on me.  I tried to cheer him up with random banter and the common bond we shared in not liking puppies and soon enough we were in his bedroom and the door was shut and I felt safer than I had felt since my key locked my front door.  It was warm in his room.  No puppy to make his face cross.

What would have been bliss, being in his bedroom, was just the effort to feel safe.  I honestly do not remember how he began to take me down, like a predator takes his prey, but I remember being on my back when that first bite happened.  The pain woke me up.  Life entered my mind again.  And the discomfort and humiliation was lost for a while.  Passion and pain took over.  Anything he asked for, I gave it.  If he wanted to hear me moan, I moaned.  Whatever he gave, I took.  I wanted him and I wanted to give him what he wanted.  I wanted to be good at it.  I wanted him to want me again, so there was no saying no, now.  I would be the best at what I was going to do.

Rough sex is not quite the word I would use.  When a man says he likes rough sex, he typically defines it as fucking really hard.  A dick in a pussy thrusting so hard she gets sore.  So this was not rough sex.  This was pain turned in to pleasure.  Biting and scratching and slapping and it was great.  He hurt me so good, like that song from the 80’s,  Come on baby, make me hurt so good, that is the lyrics I hear in my head when I think back on it.  When he put his hands on my throat, I should have been scared.  But I wanted it more than he wanted to do it probably.  This was it.  This was when it would happen, the fizzies as my sister calls them.  He gripped round my neck, he asked if I liked it.  I nodded my head, be he told me to say it.  He tightened as he went.  He tightened until I had to say stop.  That was the first time I had been pushed to my limit.  And as soon as I said it was too tight, he let go.  I had never heard my voice sound like that, the sound of me barely being able to breathe.  It was a completely different sound than an asthma attack.  I liked it.

He asked me what I wanted.  I told him, he knew what I wanted, that I didn’t think he would give me what I wanted.  He wanted me to say it.  A funny side note, sometimes when I look back on times men want me to say it out loud, not just try to do it, it is Bella and Edward in the woods.  Edward demanding her to say what she knows he is, out loud.  She knew he was a vampire.  He knew she knew, but he still wanted her to say it.  And Mr. Hull knew exactly what I wanted, but he still wanted me to say it.  “I want you inside of me.”  He asked about a condom.  Cause he knows I am allergic to latex.  But I am smart enough to know, risking blisters from a latex condom is not an option and I always have several Latex-free condoms in my purse.  He wouldn’t go get one.  But he was the boss.  I belonged to him for a day so I power walked in nothing but a shirt and grabbed a condom and came back.

When I came in to the room and finished the fight with the puppy trying to get in the room, I shut the door and looked at him.  He was on his back, dick erect and I plopped on the bed on my stomach to kiss him.  I assumed a hand job or a blow job would happen, but he told me to get on my knees.  I was on all four’s but that was not what he wanted.  He told me to put my head on the mattress so I did.  He put his finger in my dripping wet pussy to lube up his finger before he put it in my ass.  Then he asked if I was ok with him fucking me in the ass.  I was.  He had been fingering my ass a lot and so I was expecting him to want anal sex.  He lubed his cock up and pushed in.  Now I am just gonna be honest here… he was the biggest I had had in my ass.  Longer than anyone else.  So without even being all the way in, he asked how I felt and I told him he was deeper than anyone else and he informed me, he was not all the way in yet.  He thrusted repeatedly and then when he was done with my ass, he fucked my cunt.  Once he came, he went to the bathroom to wash up.

He was my 10th lover.  And he is who I wanted to be my 10th lover.  I wanted to love the person who would be my 10th.  I waited for him, even though it was hard to wait.  I have had offers but I waited somewhat impatiently for him.  He is and will always be special now.

I got dressed and then that feeling sunk in.  That $94 dollars and his scary fiance telling me I was going to keep my money and she didn’t make offers very often and she didn’t want to be insulted by me refusing.  After that, my mind had gone blank again and time was lost.  What snapped me out of it was me smashing my finger in his door as we carried trash out…. So my mind was like… Oh I guess we are taking out the trash now.  After the trash was loaded and thrown out, 2 cigarettes smoked and it was off to the apartment.  We sat awkwardly on his couch.  He sat down and I stood there a moment before the obvious face I needed to sit down came to mind.  I sat.  The puppy was in full swing because he had heard us making noise in the bedroom so he was going to make up for lost time and get all the attention he wanted.

All I can think right now is, why did I sit so far away?  There were blankets on the side of the couch I sat on and I couldn’t bring myself to squash them.  I know what you are thinking, they are just blankets.  But my overwhelmed mind just couldn’t.  I sat on the edge of the couch knowing my butt bone would inevitably began to ache.  And I was right, it did.  Why did I sit so far away?  I wanted to cuddle so fucking bad my soul cried.  But maybe he didn’t want to cuddle.  This was the first time we slept together.  He had always said cuddling was something he liked… but trash got taken out and cigarettes were smoked and I was on the opposite end of the couch.  He didn’t wave me over so I sat there while the puppy took turns chewing on his shoe and then a pillow which he would also make great efforts to drag across the room.

Eventually the roommate came home and she was a whole life force.  She was loud like I am when I am manic.  I watcher her hold her puppy to her face and then I was horrified as she let the damn dog lick her lips for … well it was longer than I wanted to see lol.  The fiance came home and the mood changed completely.  I was once again in the background trying hard to disappear.  Had I driven myself I would have made my graceful exit.  But Mr. Hull had driven me..  I sat on the fiance’s bed I had just fucked him on, right next to her and her laundry and listened to her talk while I tried hard not to stare at Mr.Hull with begging eyes.  He never touched me once in her presence and I am not sure if that was on purpose of just a fluke but it made it feel branded with the feeling I had done something wrong in a woman’s bed.  Eventually that trip home came to the moment of goodbye’s.

My mind let me slip away for a moment and I was in her car and half way home before I realized where I was.  I was talking when I poofed back in to existence so I tried to just pick up from there.  When he pulled up to my door, he let me kiss him goodbye which is oddly enough something I never got to do with the Josh or with Chris once we began hooking up last summer.  Exiting their homes was cold and put me in my place.  It was fucking, not lovey dovey fair wells.  But I leaned over to kiss him and prayed he would kiss me back and he did.  My hands shook as I tried to find the button to unlock the door and in just a few movements and steps I was fumbling with my keys trying to get my shakey hands to unlock my door.  I was extremely glad Chris was asleep.  I just wanted to curl up in my bed.  My sweet comfort zone.  I lay there in peace letting my brain cool down.

Once I regained composure, I sat up and got off the bed.  I began putting my new things away.  I hung things neatly, and then I tried on all the panties and I took pics of them on in case he asked for them.  But he didn’t.  I folded each pair and put them away obsessively stacked and organized.

I wanted to wait til he got home and see if he would break the silence.  But I checked the mail and the LG&E bill was so thick it was like a college acceptance letter so I texted him about that in a funny manor and so the conversation carried on from there.  Normalcy began.  I was at home and texting him like our relationship had always been and I was at peace with it.

Now dear readers, I know this sounds like I had a horrible day with hot sex.  I didn’t.  Any normal person could have had all of that happen and the only thing she would write about was the hot sex that led me to be covered ALL over my body with bruises and never thought twice about the rest.  I am sure a lot of women would never think twice about a man spending money on her.  And meeting new people, being around them and talking to them would have had no affect at all and would never be taken note of.  But anyone who has read my blogs from begging to now, knows I have social anxiety… so yeah, this was a hard day.  The sex was amazing.  And I am sure next time, the fiance will be less scary and so will the roommate.  But next time, I am going to request we play at my place, and shop at my mall, lol.

It was an unforgettable day.  One I would not trade anything for.  On April 1st, I am paying him back half the money so that I can get over it.  And even when I do, I will still have no clue why any man would ever want to spend $50 on me.  I do not usually even get dinner when I have a “date”.  And anyone in the dating scene knows that expecting dinner will keep them waiting at home alone because most guys won’t buy you a coffee, never mind dinner.

I write this piece because I needed to write it.  Any time I write I need to, I have to.  It must come out of my head and on to “paper”.  I need to see it so that I can breathe.  It is like finally telling someone a secret.  You know this dark secret and you are not supposed to tell anyone, but when you do, you feel soooo much better.  Well any time I let it all out on here, I feel that same relief.  However, I also put it in writing to try to show Mr.Hull where my state of mind was.  He is faithful reader of mine.

To you I say, please do not take any of this in a negative way.  I am not complaining.  I am not regretting.  I am just trying to tell you how I felt and feel.  Give you some insight to my quietness.  You did nothing wrong at all.  You were a perfect date.  I am just awkward and fucked in the head so all that shit was there too.  Oh and my mom saw the big bad bruise on my right breast through my shirt, after she saw the one of my leg and asked what it was…. yeah she is not your biggest fan at the moment lol.  I just had to wear a cream tank top… I couldn’t have worn a black one like normal lol.  But I wear my bruises like badges.  I wear them proudly.  And I am sure being around the fiance and the roommate will be much easire next time.  I do love you, Mr.Hull.

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