This shit is real and really crazy
So a friend asked me just now, “Do you sleep better with someone or alone?”. It is almost as complicated as, “Are you single?”. I was surprised at how complicated of a question that was for me. I had to think and choose my words and think some more.
Is it silly to even long for someone in my bed every night? I mean right now is the second night in a roll I have not slept… soon the sun will come up and I will be on day three of no sleep. So if I had a boyfriend and he slept in my bed every night… technically I would not be sleeping next to him. So why does it matter that I am basically single and I sleep alone every single night? And by night I mean when I sleep I sleep alone because God knows I do not sleep at night usually. So I ask my dear readers, is it silly that even though I do not sleep in my bed every night, but I still wish someone was there waiting just in case I got sleepy? Not gonna lie. I seem to be silly.
And then you have to take in… when I do sleep… Well I lay there next to you and pray you talk to me for a few minutes to help my brain calm and give me security of your love for me as you fall asleep without me. I watch you sleep, I watch your chest move as your breath fills your lungs and slowly the pace changes and so does the sound of your breathing and maybe even a snore. As I watch, as I listen, I am not gonna lie, I am so jealous at your ease in to the land of Z’s. But then my watching eyes enjoyment fades to a quickened heart and my mind begins its normal race only now there is a new thing to obsess over, a new thing to fear. What if I wake you up?
When I sleep, I do not get in bed, lay my head down with the covers pulled up and drift off. No… not even close. When i sleep, it is a long process. Most of the times I go to bed, it can take between 30 minutes to 3 hours to drift off successfully. And it is torture. My brain races with millions of thoughts, things I do not want to forget, things that i fear might happen, things that have already happened that I can not let go, did I lock the door, should I go pee one more time, should i put more chap stick on, did the cats have water…. my mind fills with fears of cancer, my mom dying, my car breaking down to shit as trivial as rather or not I remembered to right side out my socks before I put them in the dirty clothes basket. And there is the monkey phase of every night where my nails and finger tips search my entire body for any bump or imperfection. But the big bad, the one that OVERWHELMS and OVERLOADS my every racing heart beat and thoughts when I am actually lucky enough to sleep next to a man…
Ok, so you didn’t even talk to me before you fell asleep and I hate that about guys, but you were tired and you passed right out.. just like that. Out like a light. But every light goes out with a flick of a switch and it comes right back on just as easily. My racing thoughts will not bother him. But while I wait for hours for my brain to slow down so I can sleep, I move. I scoot down so my feet feel the foot board because no matter what I do, I can not stop ending up with my head painfully wedged against the head board. I have big tits so there is a whole series of adjustments to adapt to get just the right spot so that I am not putting pressure at the wrong angle to where they almost hurt. Got to adjust the shirt too so it is not rolled up and wedging its way in to my ribs. The fan has to be on HIGH so that I am cold which means I have to have the covers up around me, my shoulders and even my ear but NOT my mouth. I have to have a pillow along my body to embrace. A pillow here and under there. My one knee out, toes tucked under the other knee. And right about the time I feel myself almost there… starting to drift… well fuck me I have to turn over and get the pillows just right, I have to get my knee out just right and not knee him in the balls, and my arm up and aaaaalll that shit.
When I am alone I am free to do this a thousand times, get up and pee all night and put my chap stick on again and again. No one is there to complain but my loving cuddle buddies, the cats. And no matter how times I uproot them, they will always come back. But you… you men…. Will you always come back if I wake you and disrupt your sleep with my tossing and turning? Will my trips to the bathroom wake you up every time or just half the time… if I manage to have a man stick around, will he just get so used to my wiggles and piddles that he stops wake up to it all together? Or will you stop wanting me to sleep next to you? Is that why you never ask me to int he first place?
Chris, the ex-husband is the only man I have ever been with that all those fears melted away. When we first met he woke up every time I moved. But after a few months he never even changed his breathing. And I grew to love his snore and I grew to tolerate the furnace heat radiating off of him and we could be who we were and it worked and there was no reason to fill with fear over my wiggles and tinkles and big-booby-adjusting.
I have not had that since. I have not had that comfort level and the faith that he would forgive all my sleeping intrusions and so I slept next to him for almost five years. But I have not had that since.
I can not tell you which part of me runs my life more, my fear of moving one inch and waking a guy up, or just the uncontrollable desire and longing that a man will tell me to stop fucking worrying about it because he doesn’t give a fuck.
So, I believe the question was, do I sleep better with someone next to me or alone…. I want someone on his side of the bed every single night for the rest of my life. I want a man waiting on his side, snoring, and just waiting there just in case I actually manage to have a night where I can actually sleep. I want to smell him and hear that little snore and feel his warmth and I want for one part of my body to be touching his just enough so as I sleep I know he is there.
It is NOT easy for me to sleep. Not ever. And I DO desperately want a boyfriend that sleeps in the bed waiting for me if I manage to get sleepy…. but I am not gonna lie, my stress level and guilt level is much higher when I start thinking about him losing sleep with work the next day, or worrying about him getting annoyed and telling me to go sleep on the couch. I worry it will doom a relationship cause if he can not sleep next to me then it is kinda a deal breaker.
So, if you ask me if it is easier for me to sleep next to someone or alone, the answer is alone. But if the question is, do I sleep better alone or next to someone, then the answer is definitely when I sleep next to someone. Eventually hours pass and I fall asleep (assuming it is not a fuck off and get up and hope I sleep the next night kinda night ) and my knee touches him, or my hip and his snore and his smell and his warmth… yeah… I absolutely sleep better when someone is next to me. I just hope someday I feel the fear melt away and I have the comfort level I had with Chris.
So dear readers, when you go to sleep next to your loved one, slip em a little whisper to make them know you love sleeping next to them and you love every wiggle and adjustment. Tell them every time they adjust and you stir in your sleep that for that brief few seconds it takes you to fall right back to sleep that you are not thinking about wanting to kill them for waking you up, tell them they fill your mind and the knowing they are right there next to you sends you right back to sleep. Cause that would be pretty amazing to hear.