This shit is real and really crazy
So a while back when I wrote about my diet all the time…. ya know back when i had it under control…. a family member informed me very insistently that while i will enjoy buying new clothes, i will never be happy with my body because i am just not wired that way, well technically the word used was “we”. I as usual did not argue cause once upon a time i had no voice other than this blog… and I am not gonna lie, I worried it was true. She said so, therefore it was.
After a very extensive conversation involving this theory, shortly after my official 100lb loss, it got to me. It took hold and I could not let it go. And the more it infected me, the less i cared to work hard. I mean, who fucking cares? I mean why the fuck do I care what the width of my pants were on the hanger, the number on the label, if I was never going to like the body and the person in those smaller jeans? So I quit.
About a month later I got put on a new medication, serequil xr…. be careful all you crazy people with a desire to not be a tubby blob monster…. My willingness to quit my diet mixed with said drug which most often not only causes weight gain by causing a sedation on your entire system, it also causes an increase in appetite. So let’s see… As if my food addiction was not strong enough before, I suddenly am constantly hungry…. it caused a numbness to my stomach… no matter how much I ate I had no ability to feel full. One of my issues is that I need to feeling of being full to be satisfied. So I can now join the Olympic eating contests, I constantly want to eat, i am sedated to the point i am sleeping about 17-20 hours a day, when I do get up, it is to eat and watch tv but after maybe, just maybe an hour and a half I would go back to bed. Exercise was not an option because being awake was no longer a desire or even an option. And my family members testimony of self hate… yeah that was the end of the end of the end.
Well people, surprise surprise your family is not always right. I am back on my diet. I suppose many many people ha ve enough self hate that they can not get ahead of it. But over the last few months I have learned to love myself. I have found my voice, even outside of this blog.I don’t accept shit, or take shit. I question and I am learning.
I am doing research through the internet and documentaries as well. Right now I am focusing my life on my Boyfriend, the Josh, and my food addiction and my bipolar disorder. Josh and I went to Chicago and it was amazing. Now I am learning about my body and brain. Turns out I have hyposexuality and I do not and should not be ashamed. It is very common with bipolar disorder. And as far as that, I have a boyfriend so I make myself behave. Getting rid of shit in my life and making strides to a better one is turning out well. Me and my best friends bought a house.We have moved in and we love it…. even though everything worked a week before we moved and now nothing does lol. Thursday everything worked, Saturday nothing did lol.
Making better choices in my life has almost completely eliminated my depression. Even the stress of this house doesn’t send me to a depression where I can not get out of bed. Cutting the fat out of my diet and my life has led to a much better life. I can honestly say I love me. So dear readers, I hope you can love yourself and I hope you dont let other peoples own self hate project on to you.
Moral of the story, people suck and the sucky people usually hate themselves and I guess their own hate is not enough to fill the void. Love yourself, or try to. Yeah I know… that is a bit too chipper for me… ok so fuck it, hate yourself. But make sure you hate yourself for all the right reasons lol.