This shit is real and really crazy
So now that I am dating, I take care of myself so much better. I shave almost every day. I shower and put perfume on all the time. I am wearing cute clothes that have had no purpose for years. I am feeling better about myself. I feel desired and attractive. My mom says I should start wearing make up again. I am not sure I am there. I never was the type to wear it every single day. But I did wear it most the time. My diet is going much better too because I figured out why I was not able to stick to it anymore. I was just unhappy and the lack of sex just made me want to eat. I could not stop cleaning and shopping. I kept trying to focus on anything but how I really felt. I know my ex is a very good guy. I will always love him, but only as a friend. I guess I am gonna have to move. I live with my ex… technically I live with my ex and my ex-husband. But if he wants me to move out, obviously I will. This is his house, not mine. I just do not want to have to run home to Mommy again. Plus she has someone living with her now and I do not want to live with that person. If I am not asked to move, I will happily stay here. That way I can spend lots of time with my ex, keep up the house and laundry. I will of course still keep making meals for him. I love doing all of this. It is just the other needs that were not getting met. I feel it is selfish that I was unhappy because of sex and that was not all of the issues, but that was the huge one. But I just can not go on like that. I am no longer angry with him because now we are of course still not having sex. But now I am not supposed to, so I am no longer angry at him or hurt. Really, everything is basically the same. I love him and I want to do whatever i can to make him happy. I just hope that is enough for him cause I know there is no going back now. With my ex-husband, I was jealous of video games and with my ex-boyfriend I was even more jealous, but this time it was the phone (had internet and he read on it all the time) and I guess we shall see in the future what horrible vice I will be jealous of in my future relationship. There seems to always be something. Maybe they think the same thing about me… I am not sure. Hope things work out this time. I am too old to feeling this alone. Dating will hopefully be fun. Going out to eat and the same old places, only with a new person, making it a whole new experience. I feel as though I am more alive. My blood is no longer stopped. It rushes through me. Every touch is new again. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am never happy. I have let everyone down I feel in my past. What will stop me from turning my next relationship in to shit? I feel like everything I touch turns to shit in general. I try so hard to be careful and accept life and hope for the best. I try so hard to be kind and never hurt people. I try so hard to just be happy with what I have. But so far that has not happened in my relationships of any kind. Even friendships that existed for more than ten years have all fallen apart. New friends are great, but I already feel them slipping away. The girl that lived with us for a while, Tara, now seems to never have time for me. I feel so alone. I want a man that can take away the hurt of losing friends. I want a man to be my best friend. I want to laugh and be stupid together. I want giggle sex. I want to laugh. I want to make him laugh. I want to feel love, lust and passion. And I for sure want to be someone lusted over. Is that the right way to say that? I am not really sure lol. I want a guy to want to stick his pe-pe in my hoo-ha every damn day. I want so much. I really hope I deserve it. And if I do, I really hope I get it this time. I used to think I was not enough for my ex-husband. With my ex-boyfriend, I feel like I was too much. I just want to feel like the perfect fit.