This shit is real and really crazy

Feeling very very overwhelmed… I just wish I was normal

So this week has been the closest thing to a “normal” persons week.  I have had things to do every day.  I was supposed to give my uncle a ride yesterday but my alarm failed and now he probably hates me.  I feel like a screw up.  He is sick.  Diabetes has taken away his life, his eyes included so he can not drive.  I was supposed to pick him up, drive him to Walmart and leave him there so he could catch the bus.  I swear to you I set my alarm like I was supposed to.  It just did not go off. 

Tomorrow I am supervising my cousins visit with her kids.  That may not seem like much, but it is responsibility on my shoulders.  I have to get up.  I have to be alert.  I have to be in charge, not only of two small children, but of an adult as well.  Friday starting at 4-ish I am watching two kids from then until about noon the next day.  Somewhere in the midst of that, my boyfriend is coming over to hang with me.  That will be the only relief I will get that day.  I love those kids.  But they are not my kids and if I make any mistakes I have to answer to someone instead of simply feeling like a fuck up.  Although, I will feel like a fuck up either way.

Sat at noon-ish they are leaving and then me and mom are going to go to a craft thing that my cousin’s wife is having a booth at.  I am simply hoping to score a baby doll outfit or two.  Yes, I am 31 years old and still have a doll that I dress up.  Fuck you, she is awesome.  But back to Saturday, we will have to rush cause we are doing this while my Grandma gets her hair done and soon as I get home I am going to rush to my bestie’s house for a girl’s night. 

Yes, I am looking forward to spending time with Amber, but once again, I HAVE to be up and alert.  I have to drive to Indiana where my GPS will inevitably fail me right before I get there.  No, that part does not excite me.  I live in Kentucky.  Indiana is not far away, but it is out of my bubble of knowledge so there fore I am scared to go every time.  I will be spending the night with her.  An added stress, little but stress none the less is the fact that Amber’s husband will be there.  I like him, honestly I do.  It is just more pressure for me when there is more than one person in the room with me and I know him, but not well enough to feel comfy enough that he no longer counts as a 2nd person. 

See, 1 person = easy + relaxed which = yay me! 

Sunday is my boyfriends birthday.  I am excited about this, he is not.  But I will try to make him smile anyways. 

I am also no longer sick so as of tonight, the gym has returned to my life.  I almost threw up tonight.  I really need to get some money for food so I can eat fruit before going to the gym.  It had been two hours, but still, milk is bad when you work out.  I had a bowl of cereal, a tad more than I was supposed to have, but pretty much on target.  But two hours later when my body heated up from working out, my stomach getting crunched… yeah.  NO MORE cereal on gym days.  I should have known better.  I spilled milk on my bed, like a whole glass worth.  Maybe that was the world telling me to go get some toast. 

I know this may not seem like a lot, but for me this is a lot to fit in to a week.  And yes I am aware that is not an entire week.  But I am stressed out and very very overwhelmed.  My body’s response to this is to shut down.  I am sleeping way too much.  I am tired mentally and physically to the point I just keep laying down and ending up sleeping for several more hours. 

Oh yeah… one more thing.  My disability case has been getting reviewed for a few months now.  My Dr says this is normal.  But I am scared shitless.  On the 16th I have to see one of their Dr’s.  Someone has to go with me to witness what I am saying so they can say I am telling the truth.  My mom is going which is good cause this is freaking me the fuck out.  Driving that day will probably not be a good idea. 

If I lose it, I will not be getting a job.  I can barely handle babysitting before having a melt down.  So, what will I do?  I will not drive because I will no longer have insurance.  I will have to go off most of my meds because I will lose my insurance and will not have money for them.  I will no longer have the internet.  I will be forced to be stuck in my room.  Without all my meds which are already less right now than my Dr wants them to be.  I do not think anyone has caught on to the fact that I am not doing well.  The smiles are getting to be more fake than real lately.  Now this damn review.  Hurray. 

I do not know if any of my readers have ever faced this, this is my first review.  But I did see one of “their” Dr’s the first time I applied for disability.  Yeah… he thought I was perfectly fine.  What happens if this Dr of theirs thinks I am fine?  Well I guess my life will be over as I know it.  Before, years ago my mom paid for my meds and Dr visits.  She can no longer do that.  She doesn’t have the income. 

I might be up shits’ creek and trudging through the damn thing soon.  Maybe there are lots of people in this world who are on it because they are lazy.  But I need it.  People see me and do not get it, but what am I gonna do when I have days where I sleep 20 hours straight?  Sorry boss, I could not wake up.  What about the days I am manic and I can not talk quietly… or very little.  I talk non-stop and I am loud and I have mood swings from end of the spectrum to the other. 

I get overwhelmed with days already.  I cancel on people.  I run late because I literally can not make myself get out of bed.  I can not stand being around lots of people.  I still avoid entire aisles in stores because one person is in one of them.  I rarely leave the house to go somewhere other than my sisters house, or my boyfriends house.  I hold my breath when my damn mother hugs me.  I can not stand to be touched by strangers.  Sure… these are great ingredients for an employee.  “Why aren’t you on register?”  “Because there were people there”…..  I am sure every boss would be thrilled to hear that. 

Most days, I am good with my crazy.  I accept it and I deal.  But when shit like this comes up, all I can think is, I just want to be normal.  Not just in my head either.  I want to stop over eating, I want to be a healthy weight and I want to have a period every month naturally and “accidentally” get pregnant and I just want to have what everyone else has.  Husband, home, kids, job, car, etc.  But no, I am the girl who gets excited when I get a period without having to take pills to make it happen. 

I didn’t even walk down the street to apologize to my Uncle.  I should have.  I know I should have.  But do you know what I did?  I went back to bed.  Then I got up for a while and was like, fuck this.  I hate life.  And I went to bed til my boyfriend called which I am grateful for because it got me out of my funk and I was able to function… kinda normal. 

I didn’t want to leave the gym tonight.  I had another hour at least in me.  But I am still not a member so I can only go when my sister goes and she has to be up at 7am so midnight was her limit so she could get sleep.  I was so stressed out and just not right…. I left my gloves and my water bottle at home.  That’s right, I am retarded enough to spend $7 on a water bottle just cause I want to be all official like and I leave it in the freezer.  I am obsessive lately about my skin and I leave my gloves behind to prevent calluses. 

So, I am sorry to write a downer of a post.  I am not high right now.  I am just blah and stressed. 

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This entry was posted on October 25, 2015 by in Uncategorized and tagged .
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