nosleepandcrazy

This shit is real and really crazy

The past was poison….ex’s and oh’s

I think it’s time to let go.

I think it’s time to fall

Let go and just fall

I wonder how far down it is

This isn’t rock bottom, you realize

It is not the bottom at all

Not saying it’s the top

Not saying it’s the middle

It’s not hell or heaven

I am not falling off of anything

There are no wagons here to fall off of

I have no addictions in my life

I know those that do

I refrain from having more things control me than than I have no control over

If that makes any sense

I am better than that in a way

Better than setting myself up as bait to various vices and habits and addictions

I do not need face book or wine or pot

To each their own

But I see it

I see it own you

I see your quick slip from you enjoying it to it enjoying you

I will not give in today

I will not give in tomorrow

I used to drink all the time

As Thur arrived, so did the dread of the weekend liquor binge

I always hated drinking

I still do

I go months upon months without a sip

Drinking was never my idea

And it rarely is now

I do not need to drink

I am crazy

I need my meds

I know crazy people who won’t take meds

I need my meds

I do not need the crazy people who don’t take meds

I do not need to watch tv all day and every day

I do not need to shave my legs every day

I do not need makeup every day

I do not need to get out of my yoga pants every day

I do not need to go shopping every day

All I need is to know myself

And I know I do not need the vices others seem to want to need

I need my mom

I need my boyfriend

And I need my family

Maybe these are my vices

Maybe these few people are my addiction

Who knows

I need my cats

Yes I am not single, yet still found a way to be crazy and a cat lady

I am the crazy cat lady in love with her boyfriend

He loves my cats too

And in return I like his dog

I need this blog

This blog means more to me than my car

It may not seem like it

Me and my blog do not talk for weeks at a time

But we always have each others backs

Which is more than I can say about most humans I have known

I do love my car though

I need my bed

My bed is my safe place, my bubble

I do not value expensive things

I grew up poor

I am poor

I do not mind being poor

I will probably always be poor

Money makes me happy, sure

But I can not be bought

I do not care about his money or hers

I do not care about your money

My money buys me books on amazon

My money pays for my speedy internet

I need my internet

I do need music

I need it more than almost anything I have ever known

I get my passion for music from my parents

And my grandparents

Music is peace

Music blocks out the noise in my head

Music makes me forget all the people I can not remember anymore

Those people used to matter

I think they did anyways

Maybe they didn’t

I can’t remember if they did

I do remember they challenged my ability to stay sane

My ability to love myself

My ability to stay sober

My ability to wanna see what tomorrow held for me

Because they made me wish tomorrow was never coming

I didn’t want today to last forever

Nothing poetic like that

No day of my life was the greatest day ever

There was never a day I wanted to go one and on

I wanted each day to end for so long

So long I can not remember not wanting the day to end

Pretty sure I liked life when I was seven

Yeah, life was good that year

I certainly did not want tomorrow to come

I wanted today to end

I will let you do the math

But life is good now

Life is getting better

Life has peace

I do not cut myself anymore

I eat right

I do not starve myself

I do not eat everything in the kitchen

I do not hate myself

I am just now over the past five or six months falling in love with myself

The ex’s are all gone now

Thank God

The others are all gone now

Ash is back

I missed her

I love her

Don is my rock, my constant

He is the star that guided me through all of the darkness

I am in the light now

He is my home

I am home when I am with him

I have never known love like he gives me

I have never loved anyone like I love him

Don is so big, the past is a fragment hidden in his shadows

Don is my unicorn

He is my mythical creature that doesn’t exist

He is real

And he is mine

All mine

And I am all his and always will be

My mom is my rock, my very foundation

No matter how I crumbled over the years

My mom held my hand

My mom picked me back up

Dusted me off and bought me dinner

She is my home

I am at home when I am with her

My mom

My unicorn

I have a home now

They are my strength, my peace, my heart

I am forgiving myself for accepting the past to happen

I am forgiving myself for believing that was love

That, that was like

That, that was family

That, that was friendship

For mom, I have never fallen low

She held me up

For Don, I have never fallen low

He held me up

I am more confident now

I dance

I no longer have to be drunk to dance

I no longer have to be drunk ever

I do not like big parties

I never liked parties

I don’t have to go to parties

He can fix my car

No one else ever knew how to fix my car

He has a bike

No not a bicycle

I mean he has a real bike

Dad was right

Bikes are fun

I love the bike

I love sex

And now I finally get to have sex

And now I have good sex

Now I have the best sex I have ever had

And I get to have it any time i want

All I have to do is ask

He never made me make a first move

All I had to do was ask

Now I am no longer afraid to make a first move

Don makes me feel safe

Don makes me brave

I do not need vodka to be brave

I do not drink to get wasted

Dad was right, beer is better

I like to have a couple of beers

Apple Redds are my beer of choice

Two or three beers mellow me out

I do not drink to be brave

I do not drink to get wasted

I drink to relax

But I rarely drink as I have said

I am not young, nor do I want to be

I am not old, but I am not scared to be

I like myself now

It is easy to like yourself if you know the trick

The trick is to cut out the poison

Some people are poisonous

Cut out the poison and you will find peace

I found peace

I am at peace

I am happy now

I am truly and deeply happy

I am satisfied

I am satisfied in bed for the first time in my life

And I am satisfied out of bed for the first time in my life

Everyone should cut out the poison

Cut it out quick with precision

Cut it to the bone if you have to

If you cut out everyone that hurts you, you will stop hurting yourself

I used to hurt myself

Now I don’t

Now I love myself

Now I like myself

Now I am happy

Now I am fun to be around

Funny how that turned out

Get rid of the people who think you are not fun to be around

Then you will be fun to be around

And the people who always thought you were fun

Well now they get to enjoy the new you

I am turning 35 soon

I am not new

I am not old

But I feel new

I look forward to feeling new for the rest of my life

My mom makes me feel new

I am special to her

I am everything to her

I am special to Don

I am everything to Don

They are everything to me

I have a true loving family

They loved being around me when I was sick

But they love being around me now

They get to enjoy my new self

They make me new too

Why did I let so many people hurt me

I ask myself every day

People I loved hurt me

People I worshiped hurt me more

Blood means nothing

Blood hurts more

Ex’s hurt more

Ex’s who would not commit to being an ex hurt more

Frinds hurt more

I don’t let anyone hurt me anymore

And now that no one hurts me

I do not hurt me anymore

Now I believe in love

Now I found love

I used to think I found love

Now I know I found sad pathetic worship

Addiction

Obsession

Not love

Not love at all

Now I know love

I love, love

I can love more now that I am loved

Me and Don want children

When our child is born, we will teach them about love

We will show them strength in kindness

They will be stronger than we were

They will not have to wait till they are 35 to be strong

Because we won’t let anyone hurt them

I do not sleep every night

But I sleep well when I do

I sleep hard now

I do not have nightmares every single night of my life

They have pills for that now

I take pills for that now

I don’t have bad dreams anymore

I am not scared to sleep anymore

I like to sleep now

But I do not have to sleep every night

I like staying up longer than everyone else

I like it

So I do it

I take a lot of pills now

I take more than most

But now I am not like the people who need pills

People who need them and won’t take them

I don’t like people who need pills

Not if they don’t take them

People need pills sometimes

Sometimes people need pills for always

They should take them that long

I will take them that long

I have learned how to ask for help

I may not want to

But now I do

And I am better now

And now I help others

I help Don’s parents

I help my mom

I help people who need me

I love myself when I help people who need me

I am a good girl

I like it when Don calls me that

I am a good person

No amount of lies take away the truth

I am not a bad person

I was raised to be a good person

And I have always been a good person

I do not let my disease make me a bad person

I am bipolar

But I am a good person

I always was

I always will be

Even when my life was consumed with poison

I was still a good person

They tried to make me sick

I would not let them

I am bipolar

But I am ok

Don lets me take his picture

I forgot how good it is to have a man

A man who lets me take his picture

I love pictures of him

I love pictures of me if he is in the picture too

It is him that is teaching me how to love myself

He does not hurt me

He does not abuse me

He does not use me

Not like the rest

I would do anything for him

But for the first time in my life

I am in love with someone

I love someone who would do anything for me

He is my favorite person

He is my best friend

We are gonna get married not too long from now

Won’t be long at all

I know this man is not a mistake like the rest

And this marriage will not be a mistake either

Don got hurt in his past too

Friends hurt him

Women hurt him

Sometimes I wish we found each other a long time ago

I have been wasting all these years on men

Men who did not deserve me

Now I know I can do so so so much better

Don is my better

Don makes me better

I will never settle again

I will never let him go

I am not settling with Don

Don helps me not settle for anything or anyone

Not for any reason

My needs are met

In and out of the bed

Don talks to me

Don listens

Don doesn’t ignore me

The tv is not more important than me

His friends are not more important than me

Video games are not more important than me

Liquor is not more important than me

Eating at buffets is not more important than me

His phone is not more important than me

I am more important than anything

I am special

I am loved

I am important

I am happy

I make Don happy

I make Don laugh

Don makes me laugh

Don doesn’t laugh at me

Don doesn’t call me retarded or stupid or ugly

I am not stupid or ugly

I know that now

I am not better than everyone

Not by any means

But I am better than many I have known

I am better than some people

Funny how they are the same people who made sure I thought they were better than me

I am better now

Now that I know that

I eat right now

Don doesn’t drag me out to buffets

Don doesn’t get wasted and make me eat taco bell

Don doesn’t make me eat so he doesn’t feel fat when he eats

Don is a grown up

I am a grown up

We can both eat in front of each other

Even when the other is not hungry

Don takes me out to eat

Don asks me what I want

Where I want to go

We go to places I want to go

We never go places I don’t like

We like the same movies

We like the same shows

Don has better taste than most

Don is not an atheist

This makes me happy

Don does not use drugs

Don does not use me

My family loves him

That is a new feeling

His family loves me

That is an even better feeling

His family doesn’t call me “that girl”

They call me family

They can’t wait til we are married

That is a nice feeling too

I go shopping with his mom

I love his mom

His mom loves me

Don is tall

I have to tippy toe to reach his lips

I like having to tippy toe to kiss him

Maybe our kids will be tall

He is taller than all the rest

Taller than my past

He is handsome

He is sexy

He is beautiful

He is mine

He doesn’t go to bars on saturday without me

He does not cheat

I do not have to share him

He is loyal

He helps my mom out

I help his mom out

My dad would like him

My dad hated all the others

This one is different

Don is old school

Don fixes cars

He can repair things in the house

Don puts together my furniture

Don helped me move

Don rescued me

He saved my life

He is my life

He is tall

He does not mind getting things off the top shelf for me

And he never forgets me

He never forgets my birthday

He never forgets our anniversary

He loves valentines day

He spent all of Christmas day with me

Not just for presents

He hit his head on the ceiling about the stairs

The stairs at my grandmas

The stairs to the basement

Everyone clapped and cheered

They said he is officially family

He has been initiated

That is all it took

We might as well be married

He is family

They love him now

They love him already

He works hard

But he makes time and energy for me

He takes me places

Goes to the Dr with me

He reminds me to take my meds

He will get up and reset the router upstairs a hundred times a day

I hate that router

His dad is gonna buy a new one

He said that

He says that a lot

He has been saying that for a year

He hasn’t bought the new router yet

He is going to buy one though

I know he will

Cause he says he is going to buy it

So I am sure he will…

His mom takes care of me

She laughs with me

She doesn’t hate me

It’s nice

I like it

I like it a lot

My mom likes him

Been a long time since my mom liked my guy

Been a long time since my guy was my guy

My guy and only my guy

Don is my guy

And I am his girl

And I am his only girl

Been a long time since I was the only girl

I don’t like sharing

I don’t have to share anymore

There are no more kelly’s liking his posts

There are no elizabeths either

There is no one

There is just me

We have no secrets

We tell no lies

I never lie

Been a long time since my guy didn’t lie to me

It’s a new feeling

Having an honest guy is new

I think I like trying new things

He never watches the walking dead without me

He never watches game of thrones without me

He waits for me

So I wait for him

I waited for him my entire life

He waited for me his whole life

I don’t know why we had to wait so long

So much time was wasted on others

But every single day we have had

Every single day we will ever have

Every day together is cherished

We both know what our past was like

We are both grateful to each other

Grateful it will never be like that again

Grateful the suffering is over

Grateful the poison is gone

Grateful we healed

We healed each other

He is happy

I am happy

We are happy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This entry was posted on March 10, 2017 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .
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