This shit is real and really crazy
“Hey C.J., can you hand me that pencil?”
“The one stickin outta the side uh your head. Hurry up, I need to write something.”
“Yeah that one. Don’t just point to it, give it to me, will yuh?”
“Oh no no no no no. I need this one to be right here.”
“Okay C.J., keep the stupid pencil. I am not even gonna ask why it would cause you such pain to simply give it to me. But just so you know, I had a thought. And now, it’s gone because there is no room for my normal thoughts. Why? Because the only thing going through my mind are questions of the importance, the stupidity, the rudeness to your “no no no no” response. I mean, really…”
“I need this pencil to stay here. Right here. I already told you this. I love this pencil. You can’t have it. It has to stay here. Right here. I simply can no remove it from …”
“Alright, I get it. And don’t worry. I no longer want to know why you wouldn’t let me have it. Now my head is plagued by the odd relationship between you and your pencil. I mean, eee dude. You and your pencil should…”
“Hey guys, what’s up?”
When Richard walked up, C.J. and Julia didn’t even look at him for a second. They were just sitting there. Staring at each other. However, Julia’s glare did move to the pencil a few times.
“Guys? I said, what’s up?”
They both glared a second more before looing up at Richard. Both of their expressions immediately became pleasant and inviting.
“Hi Richard. Me and C.J. were just enjoying this lovely day. Thought we might come here and grab a bite before going to the lake for the weekend. It’s the first nice weekend since winter ended. You got plans for the next day or so?”
“Well.” C.J. spoke up “You could join us on our trip to the lake if you want. You game?”
“Sure I am. I mean, that is, if you both really don’t mind.”
“We don’t mind!” the girls both said at once
“You know, we have invited several people. I hope that doesn’t change your mind, Richard.” Julia said hopefully.
“Actually” Richard said, “It sounds like fun times. When do we leave?”
2 hours later…
“Julia. Julia…… JULIA… JULIA!!!”
“What C.J.? What could possibly be so important that you’re out here howling like a fricken dog?”
“Don’t forget the sheets.”
“Yes, the sheets. Remember, the last time we went down there, we brought all the sheets home because you said they smelled like feet. You said it was driving you crazy and making you feel like you couldn’t get your feet clean enough. So we brought them back so you could wash them.”
C.J. continued talking as she made her way to the van to load her suit case in the back.
“Remember? You stuffed them in a box and put them in the back of the… Oh.”
“Whoops. Sorry. I guess I forgot. I’ll grab some from the linen closet to take with us.”
“Sounds like a plan ‘forget me not”
“Just rememember, I know where you sleep. Call me “forget me not” one more time and there will doom in your future. Doom with spoons… and… cheese.”
“Spoons and cheese?”
“That’s what I said, spoons and cheese. DOOM. CHEESY DOOM.”
Around 30 minutes after that…
Everyone had arrived, put their stuff in the van (next to the sheets of feet box) and they were on their way with Julia as their chauffeur. And they were…. Singing…
“I want my baby back baby back (chiliiiiiiiiiii) baby back ribs (barbecue sauce)”
“Oops, I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. I’m not that innocent.”
After several rounds of the theme to friends, C.J. turned around from her very hard fought for seat up front next to Julia and said…
“Okay you guys, this is Richard. He has been friends with Julia and I for a very long time now. In fact, I am not sure how we managed to hide his sexiness from you this long. Everyone, say hi to Richard.”
(All at once) “Hi Richard.”
“Richard, this is Kyle, my Mr. Man right there in the A.F.I. t-shirt. Next to him is Lisa with the “I love Justin Timberlake” underwear on…”
“Hey!! That is soooo not true. I am Lisa, but Justin himself couldn’t touch my underwear. Ick.”
“I was just kidding. If that were true, we’d have to throw out the van right now. Anyways, on with the roll call. And last but not least, sitting next to you is Vivian, but everyone calls her Viv. Except for me. I call her…. Never. Cause once you get on the phone, you’ll never get off. Ha ha ha.”
Everyone just looked at her. No laughs, just looks.
“What? I think I’m funny. Okay then, Richard, say hello to the unamused.”
“Oh, okay. Uh… let’s see… You’re Kyle and you belong to C.J.”
“Dude, she like… holds the leash to the collar of my… like… life and stuff. Woe, that was deep. Huh huh huh.”
“Uh huh. And you are Lisa who would throw yourself out of this van if you had Justin Timberlake underwear on.”
“Ooo, I like him.” Lisa said with a mischievous grin.
“And you are Viv, short for Vivian and the inspiration to C.J.’s worse jokes.”
“That’s me, nice to…”
C.J. interrupts, “Hey, I have full power over whether or not you get the feet sheets buddy. Watch it.”
And with that, the entire van was cracking up, which they continued to do all the way to the lake. By the time they arrived, Lisa had to use the bathroom real bad, so as soon as the doors were open, she flew down the hall. Seconds later, the entire group, and possibly the entire planet heard a blood curtailing scream coming from Lisa. They all ran down the hall to see her running toward them full force. They all paused when they heard, “Holy brain with a pothole, batman, there’s a… a… a..”
“What? What is it Lisa?” Julia said rushing her.
To which she responded, “There is a thing. A living thing in the toilet. And it, it……. It looked at me.”
“So in other words” Viv interrupted “There is a reason we brought boys with us afterall, huh?”
The big scary creature turned out to be a brown sock that Kyle had left in there last time to scare C.J. However, he seemed to be pleased with scaring Lisa instead. After the big bad sock situation had been handled, they unpacked and headed for the grocery store. Normally they did this on the way to save time, but the food usually sits where Richard did. So, they had to wait until they had gotten all of their stuff out first. After they were done with that, they built a fire and sat around it with marshmallows on sticks.
“Does anyone want to tell ghost stories?” said Kyle
The group consensus was yes.
“I’ll go first.” announced Julia. “It all started on a cool summer night. There was this couple camping out in the woods. Little did they know, it was their last night to be together…. EVER!!”
C.J. stopped her for a second. “Is this gonna be about me and Kyle, cause if you’re trying to scare me, give it up. My Kyle will protect me.”
Julia ignored her and their googly eyes and continued. “This couple went camping in a large group, but they wanted to be alone for a while. So, they grabbed their sleeping bags and some matches for a fire, and headed further out in to the woods. They walked quite a ways before they were satisfied with their privacy. They snuggled up in one sleeping bag and used the other for extra padding between them and the cool ground. Once the fire got going, so did the heat. But only a few kisses were finished before the girl started hearing sounds out in the woods. He of course wasn’t in the mood to go investigate her moment of delirium, so he tried to console her so they could get back to the kissing. But a few seconds later, she was sure she heard something. But before she could fully protest, suddenly she saw it. It was hideous. It was huge. It was coming straight towards them. But they were stuck. The zipper broke on their sleeping bag. It was such a tight fit, neither one could budge. They were both screaming and yelling for help, but soon the screams went solo, as she watched the monster cut her true love’s head clean off. She wiggled and screamed but she couldn’t get out of the sleeping bag. The monster picked up the head and cooked it right there at their, her fire. He ate it. Every bit and right in front of her. She never stopped screaming. After he was done, he left. She was sure he would come back, probably with his fury friends looking for seconds. So she kept trying to escape. They had gone too far out. No one could hear her. She kept screaming. But no one came. Not even the monster. By morning the rest of the couples group was worried of course. When they found her, she was shaking and mumbling to herself, the zipper. The zipper. She was covered in blood; she was wet from all his blood soaking through the sleeping bag. The girl’s friends pulled her out, but she kept mumbling about zippers and monsters coming back. They didn’t know what happened. They just knew they had lost a good friend, and this one was crazy. They all piled into their car to make their way home. But then suddenly, there they were. The monster, and all of his monster friends. And then BANG!”
“AAAaaahhh” the entire group let out a scream and a jump from the end of Julia’s story.
“The moral of the story… If you’re that horny, get a bigger sleeping bag.”
Everyone started laughing. The entire weekend went like that. Lots of stories. Lots of laughing. In fact, they had so much fun, they decided to stay until the end of the week. They all decided that 5 more days of camping was just what they needed. Lots of laughing, practical jokes, getting an early start on that summer tan, spending time with friends and yes – even smores, as childish as they sounded, smores were on the menu on several occasions.
On the 4th night …
Hushed giggles were in the air, coming from Richard and Julia.
“Shhhhhh, you gotta be quiet.” She giggled before saying, “If you wake them up, they will know it has been us doing things to them in their sleep the whole trip.
In a low voice, Richard responded with great seriousness. “I know, now let’s go get the fat everyone cut off their steaks.” Then he quietly as possible had a burst of laughter that was combined with a strained spitting sound, like blowing raspberries, but muffled and held back.
“What? Are you nuts? What are we gonna do with that?”
“We are going to take their socks off, put it between their feet, and then put their socks back on.”
Julia stood there looking at him. Moments passed…
“What? Too much? Are you too chicken?”
“Actually, I’m in awe of you. Where do you come up with this stuff?”
“I’ve got 5 older sisters. Where do yuh think?”
“Oh. Remind me not to make your sisters mad at me.”
“Okay I will. Now, on to the meat.”
The next morning was not everyone’s favorite morning. But conveniently, Julia and Richard had woken up before everyone else. They of course had taken care of their “fat feet”. Therefore it couldn’t have been them. Sadly, no one seemed to be the wiser. Julia and Richard continued until their last evening there before leaving the next day. They both decided that they had tortured enough. Little did they know, they would be the ones falling for the ruse on this night. You see, everyone had gone out and had a little group talk. It was like something out of Survivor. They were hiding behind bushes, keeping watch. They all suspected that it was Richard and Julia. Julia never could sleep well. And Richard totally had a crush on her, so they were the most likely to be scheming together. They all had their own ideas for payback. They had, had a week of rough mornings. But, tomorrow morning, Richard and Julia were gonna feel a weeks worth of wrath. They all knew that Julia would take something to help her sleep, because she was the one that would drive all the way home. And of course, if she was asleep, then Richard had no reason to stay awake. So all they had to do was wait. And hey, they could stay up all night because they could nap all the way home.
“Psssst.” Came from the area where C.J.’s cot was. “Psssst.”
“I heard yuh, I’ll go tell the others we are ready to go.” Kyle replied.
“I’m ready. So is Lisa.” Said Viv.
So off they went to pull a ruse of the century. Lisa went straight for Richard. With the assistance of Viv, she dunked his head in a bowl that was filled with blue dye.
“Try not to spill that stuff on the carpet, Lisa.” C.J. insisted. “If you do, Julia will kill us all. But on another note, he’s gonna look great. Don’t forget to do his facial fuzz that he insists is a thick beard coming in.”
C.J. and Kyle worked on Julia together. They decided some henna tattoos covering her entire body from her toes to the top of her neck was all Julia needed to loosen up.
“But babe, to get the full body henna tattoo effect, we gotta go where no Kyle has gone before.” Begged Kyle in a low voice and a stupid begging look on his face.
“Hey, if Kyle has any hope of going anywhere with me, then Kyle, you better keep your hands where I can see ’em. Now, what do you say to me?”
“You are the almighty C.J. and I worship you like only you deserve, cause you are my woman.”
“That’s right.” said C.J. “And I will let you. And I worship you too, cause you’re my special Mr. Man.”
The others looked pale and sick after witnessing this. But soon, all were at their work. Of course, much to Kyle’s disliking, Julia’s right to privacy was respected. So there were a few areas with no henna by the next day. By morning, Richard had blue hair, face and all and Julia was the poster girl for henna advertisement. Normally they would have been anything but amused. But they knew they deserved it and decided to laugh about it. However, Julia did give Richard the seat up front all the way home. And on their way out of the camping area, Julia went hard core on the bumps. She went a little faster every time she saw the bumps. And everyone in the back of the old worn out van felt each one.
Lisa did question it once. “Umm, Julia, we are kinda going bouncy wouncy with an ouchy to our skulls. Think you wanna slow down or dodge some of those holes?”
But she got no response, just a look in the rear view mirror that said, sure. That’s exactly what I wanna do.
After they were on the road for a while, they all got hungry. They decided the drive through was better since they had blue boy with them. Once they had settled in and were full with tacos, it was time for…
“I want my baby back baby back (chiliiiiiiiiiiiii) baby back ribs (barbecue sauce).”
“On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again.”
“Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which I desire…..hoo hoo YEAH!”
2 1/2 hours later… They were all home.
Later that night…
Julia and C.J. were sitting in their living room watching tv.
“Hey C.J., throw me that remote.”
“The remote next to your left hand.”
“Yes, that remote. Don’t just hold it up and wave it around at me. Give it to me.”
“Oh, no no no. I can’t give you this remote. I need it to stay right here. Right here by my left hand. Right here.”
“Oh good lord. I’m going to bed.”