This shit is real and really crazy

For Brandy…

I wrote this for my cousin.  She lost her 5 year battle with cancer.


All that is left of you is the wreckage that trails behind.  Its canvas a perfect image of what it is to miss you.  Undeniable destruction is the result of what seems to be an inevitable loss.  What did I do that aided in your departure of this place?  What didn’t I do that would have held you near?  You won’t come back.  And we’ll never stop wanting you to.  Is there still peace left to find?  Peace is what we search for, but you are what we hope to find.



More from 2004


In the deepest darkest hole, I’d be right at home.


Crying again

Crying again

But just this once… It’s because I’m happy


For such a glow came from the window that night as she lay there just at the start of her falling asleep.  A light sleeper she was.  Hall lights could wake her anytime.  Forgotten bathroom lights never seemed to forget to disturb her rest.  Every night she would seek darkness out.  Hoping the street lights would guide cars safely home but not guide her to a sleepless night.  But tonight… Oh tonight was different.  For such a glow came from the window that night as she lay there trying to fall into a deep sleep.  She opened her eyes again just one more time to enjoy the light unconquered by her tightly shut curtains.  It wasn’t the street lights, although they did shine.  But nothing compared and went unnoticed next to the glowing calm from the fresh unexpected white snow.  This was not a light to disrupt or wake or alert.  This was a soothing light that would lull her to sleep and bring dreams of angels made of glitter and frost.



Dreams suddenly without breath.  Burned down to nothing more than thoughts, ashes.  I scatter my thoughts into the wind to hide from the whole that is the truth.  The smallest bits blow back on my face smeared as I wipe a tear.  The truth comes at me with all of reality, to take a bite out of carefree me.

2003 & 2005


My eyes make love to the world’s intrigues.  It offers the unknown to me and I am eager to learn.



I’ve become too good at being invisible.  I’ve become an expert at knowing what it is to be the center of attention so that no one pays attention to me.  I’ll make you laugh so you’re not laughing at me.

November 2004


Let them fall so they can get up and stand.  Let them suffocate so they can take a deep breath.  Let them touch rock bottom so they will truly know the surface.  Sometimes you have to take a step back and let people die a little just so they can live a little.



Wake me up from these perfect dreams.  I miss the mess that is me.



I once again leaped off the side of my life.  I tried to fly again without my wings.  I fell and landed in the depth of my fears.  Where were you when I needed you to catch me?  Where was your hand to help pull me out?  I’m sinking fast with no means of reaching the end.  All you have to do is reach for me.



You made me what I am with great effort.  Now you don’t like your own creation.  I’ve become the dog you trained me to be.  No longer the cute puppy, you don’t want me anymore.



I woke up this morning with a bitter taste of a never ending day.  I was horrified by the thought of having to keep down what I was about to have to swallow.




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This entry was posted on July 23, 2017 by in Uncategorized and tagged , .
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